Hi! Thank you for purchasing the audiobook of "How to Ruin Your Life, for Fun and Profit",
As read by the author, Neil Hilborn.

So, you wanna be unhappy?
You probably think that you need to be in pain to be an interesting person - and you're right!
People who "care" about you will tell you that you don't need to suffer to be important,
But just remember, musicians are always most popular the day after they die!

So, are you ready to matter to someone?

Step One
Hate yourself.
You are, presumably, a human being between the ages of alive and dead,
So the chances are you're already there!
Congratulations!

Step Two
Fall in love.
People will tell you that this takes years,
But we have a secret method that will allow you to fall for anyone in under a week:
The trick is, you must be completely unable to tell the difference between love and codependence!

Step Three
Fall in love again.
People will tell you that this is impossible, given the love already inside you,
But they don't know you -
Your love is limitless,
Your heart is a well that goes all the way down,
You can fit everyone in there!
But remember to lie about it!
Love can't exist in the knowledge of other love.
Step Four
At this point you may be debating your decision to totally fuck up your life,
So ask yourself:
Would you rather be happy or interesting?
Would you rather be on the news, or just watching it?
Happy people don't make history,
Happy people make children, then die.

Step Five
Develop a mental disorder that makes you aloof and impossible to contact.
When Someone accuses you of being a bad person,
Call them insensitive!
Instant moral superiority!

Step Six
All of the elements are in place,
Now, start sabotaging your own life.
This isn't crazy, this is research,
This is material,
This is necessary for your personal growth.

Step Seven
You've been in love with two people for a while now,
Tell them about each other!
Whichever one stays is the winner!
Step Eight
Call your boss a fascist dog lover.
Tell your friends fun lies about your other friends.
Tell your mother that she was the reason you tried to kill yourself,
It just isn't depression without total isolation!

Nine
Do something to hurt yourself.
It may be a bicycle "accident",
It may be a razor -
Literal or not, make yourself bleed,

Step Ten
Create something.
Paint your scars on the side of a building.
Write a poem and shout it at strangers.
The misery circus is parading into town and you are holding the banner,
Miles of people are following you,
They are all wearing grey,
A rainbow of grey,
They are all watching as they kick themselves bloody on their own feet.
You have scars,
And everyone wants to kiss them,
This is stigmata pornography,
This is inspiration.
You are why they are still alive,
You are morning in a world of midnights,
You are so brave,
And they want to be brave just like you!
Look at what you have built.
Everything you loved has gone.
Tell yourself it was worth it.