[Intro: Hall Monitor Helen]
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in my pants

[Verse 1: Hall Monitor Helen]
Hall Monitor by day
Crossing guard by later in the day
OnlyFans by night
If I could find a man who's willing to pay
I hate all kids, they've got ass-like faces
I steal their lunches so they know their places
Oh fuck! This cheese went bad in July
Now my bowels' provoking
This pussy is dry, but this ass is soaking
I don't got a hall pass, but I'll jump on a toilet anyhow
If you plan on eating this ass, better plan on drinking it now

[Chorus: Hall Monitor Helen]
So grab a mop and a priest for this wet-ass ass
Toilet paper won't do shit for my wеt-ass ass
You'll need a lifeguard and a floatie for my wet-ass ass
If you can smеll, I'll turn you queer with this wet-ass ass

[Verse 2: Cathy the Mom]
You're talking to mama now
My pussy earned me that title
It pops out more mistakes than a fifth-grade recital
I don't care about your kids, bitch
I don't care about mine
My pussy's wrecked
And now it looks like it was written by R.L. Stine
But I keep this ass wet when I'm scrubbing my kitchen
Because I use my ass and hole when I'm scrubbing 'n' pinching
So if you see this ass wet, you know mama's got a clean kitchen
And if you try and dry me off
I'll grab your asshole and start stitching

[Chorus: Cathy the Mom]
I clean up all my problems with this wet-ass ass
Tell Noah to load his ark, 'cause mama's got a wet-ass ass
Fed my baby Taco Bell, and- woo! Wet-ass ass
If you talk back, I'ma wash your mouth out with this wet-ass ass
[Verse 3: Bryce Tankthrust]
Look at me, worship me, on your knees
Can't you see my panties are filled with big dick energy
I make money and I get dick too
Your husband's dick was the last I screwed
We fucked for one minute but he came for five
Paramedics asked if he's dead or alive
I have thirsty employees
They're paid so much, they eat my ass for free

[Chorus: Bryce Tankthrust]
If you wanna get on my good side then eat this ass
If you wanna taste my good side, oh, then eat my ass
If want a raise then-
Bitch, you're gonna get off your fucking ass
And earn it with hard work
And showing up on time, motherfucker-
And then you're gonna eat this ass
As if you took a class
On how to finish me fast
I don't wanna be hearing no sass

[Chorus: All]
Now grab a boat and say your prayers 'cause I got a wet-ass ass
Maybe I peed, maybe I didn't, that's my wet-ass ass
I'm not going into labor, that's a wet-ass ass
And if your lips are chapped, just kiss my wet-ass ass
[Outro: Hall Monitor Helen]
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in these pants