Brandon Rogers
Helluva Boss Pilot Transcript
Blitzo: Alright, now, I know business has been... a bit slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here... Moxxie.

[Moxxie gives him a "What the hell?" look.]

Now, does anyone have... any bright ideas on how we can get business drummin' up again?

Millie: What about a car wash?

Blitzo: This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay? Ooh, what about a billboard?

Moxxie: We can't afford a billboard, sir.

Blitzo: Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now. Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?



Blitzo: Ahh, those were the good times.

Moxxiе: I don't need any reminding, sir, considering you blew most of our salariеs on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches.

Blitzo: Uh, hey, excuse me. What's "obnoxious" about a super-fun jingle, all right? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spittin' bullsh*t!

Millie: People love musicals, sir.

Blitzo: Exactly, Millie! And we're basically doin' a musical. Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?

Moxxie: Sir--

Blitzo: 'Cause right now, all I see is just my dad's a**hole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.

Millie: Are you tryin' to crush his dreams, Moxxie?

Moxxie: I-- What?

Millie: I thought I knew you.

Blitzo: I can't believe you, Moxxie, after I made you employee of the month!
Moxxie: Okay, sir! I'm sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles!

Millie: I liked it.

Moxxie: Do not-- Do not agree with him in front of me!


Blitzo: Hi, there! I'm Blitzo! The "O" is silent, and I'm the founder of I.M.P.!


Blitzo: Are you a piece of sh*t that got yourself sent to Hell, or are you an innocent soul who got F**KED over by someone else?!


Demon Guy: After lovingly killing my wife for F**KING A DELIVERYMAN, you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me! I really wish I could STICK IT to that YAPPY JOGGER who saw me hiding the body!


Blitzo: Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company's special access to the living world, we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!

Singer: ♫ When you want somebody gone, ♫
♫ and you don't want to wait too long ♫
♫ call the Immediate Murder Professionals! ♫
♫ Hand grenade or cyanide, ♫
♫ We'll make it look like suicide ♫
♫ The Immediate Murder Professionals! ♫
♫ We do our job so well, ♫
♫ because we come straight up from Hell! ♫
♫ We'll kill your husband or your wife ♫
♫ We'll even let you keep the knife ♫
♫ We're the Immediaaaaate... Murderrrrrr... Profession-- ♫

Eddie: AUUUGH!



Pink-haired Nurse: [in masculine voice] Doctor, he's not responding!

Blue-haired Nurse: Cool water, stat!


Blue-haired Nurse: It didn't do anything!

Doctor: Dammit! I'm not losing another one.


Doctor: CLEAR!


Eddie: [gasps]

Doctor: Holy sh*t, it actually worked.


Doctor: He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery. Now what insurance provider do you freaks have?

Blitzo: The f**k is insurance?


Singer: ♫ Kids die for freeeeeee!♫


Moxxie: I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Loona's fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It's very simple.

Loona: Oh, sit on a d**k, Moxxie.

Moxxie: YOU sit! Sit on... a... and the... d-- DO YOUR JOB!!

Blitzo: Hey, now, we don't blame our screwups on Loona, okay?! She didn't do anything wrooooong~

Moxxie: Are you kidding me, sir? She's awful!


Loona: Hello, I.M.P.

Millie: [On phone] Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox--


Blitzo: Happy Adoption Anniversary, Loonie! I got you a little somethin'.

Loona: Is it a cure for syphilis?

Blitzo: I... Oh...

Loona: THEN I DON'T WANT IT!!


Loona: UGHHH!!

Blitzo: [suddenly hiding outside of the office window] I'm sorry! It was spiders!

Loona: Goddammit.


Moxxie: Um, e- excuse me. Did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?

Loona: No.

Moxxie: Wha-- Why- Why would anyone send me this?

Loona: C'mon... You know why.


Loona: Whoever left the f**king... avocado salad in the fridge, I'm taking it, because I have the worst hangover right now!


Millie: Why would you drink on a work night?

Loona: I'm hungover from this morning, dumba**!


Moxxie: Isn't that my lunch?

Loona: Y'know what?! I can't take this a**ault right now! I need to blow off some f**king steam!


Loona: AAAAAAAAAAH!


Loona: Bliiiitzo, that clingy, rich a**hole is on the phone! Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you! Sounds a little DTF-y.

Blitzo: Oh, GOD, it was ONE TIME! If I hadn't slept with that privileged a**hole, none of us would have access to the living world.

Moxxie: ...You what?


Blitzo: Got the booook, got the booook! Got this f**kin' heavy book!


Blitzo: Oh- Oh, SH*T!


Blitzo: Sorry, I f**ked your husband.


Loona: BLIIIITZO!

Blitzo: I HEARD YOU ALREA--!


Blitzo: Soooo, what can I do you for this time, Stolas?


Stolas: There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my a**ociates. He's trying to convince people global warming exists!

Blitzo: Doesn't it?

Stolas: Well, yes, but more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets lonely here~

Blitzo: Okay, well, yeah, that makes sense.

Stolas: You know what happens when I'm lonely, Blitzy?

Blitzo: Oh, god-f**kin'-damnit.

Stolas: When I'm lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red **** of yours... **** your ***** and lick all of your *****, before taking out your *****, and **** with more teeth until you're screaming ********** like a F**KING baby--!


Blitzo: Eat this!


Blitzo: And then y'know that bridge over the freeway?

Loona: Yeah?

Blitzo: Sh*t off it!


Blitzo: Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family, and we don't get rid of family.


Moxxie: We aren't a family, sir! You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she's some troubled teenager! She's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones!


Blitzo: That is offensive! Without homeless people, I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life!


Moxxie: While we're on the subject of "family", can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?

Millie: Come on, sweetie! It's not that big a deal!

Moxxie: Excuse me... WHAT?!


Moxxie: Honey, can you get me the b***er?

Millie: Sure, sweetie.


Blitzo: Spoiler alert: the b***er's spoiled!

Millie: [giggles]

Moxxie: What's funny, honey?

Blitzo: Really impressive wordplay.

Moxxie: WHAT THE--?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!?!


Blitzo: Whatcha dreamin' about?

Moxxie: I was dreaming my parents were being murdered, but now... I'd like to go back to that.


Moxxie: ♫ Of all the imps in hell, it's for her that I fell ♫
♫ It's for her that I fell ♫
Millie: [at the same time] ♫ It's for him that I fell ♫
Moxxie: ♫ Oh, Millie~ ♫


Moxxie: Are you f**king filming us right now?!


Moxxie: Just... stop... doing that!

Blitzo: I don't see what the issue is! There somethin' you don't want me seein'?

Moxxie: No!

Loona: [snickers]

Blitzo: You a baby-wiener-haver?

Moxxie: Sir, what you say and how you act is totally [stands up from his chair] INAPPROPRIATE!

Millie: Calm down, Mox! You're gonna have another panic attack!

Moxxie: I AM CALM!!

Millie: Shh-shh-shh. There, there.

Blitzo: Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff you do outside work hours, so don't... judge... me!

Moxxie: Oh, I do judge you, sir! Quite a lot, actually!

Millie: Mox, he's our boss!

Blitzo: No-no-no, it's fine Mills, your husband is just... how do I say this without being offensive... retarded.

Moxxie: Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?

Blitzo: It actually does.

Loona: The only reason you have a wife is because you're easy to manage!

Millie: [slams her hands against the table, looking at Loona with anger] No he's not, you b*t*h!

Loona: [growls at Millie]

Blitzo: Do not talk to my receptionist that way! She's sensitive!

Loona: Yes, I am!

Eddie: You guys are all f**king a**holes.


Blitzo: Oh, shut up, kid! You're lucky to witness this!

Moxxie: Ugh, this company is such a mess!

Blitzo: Alright, let's go back to talking about my outfit.

Loona: Nobody was talking about that!

Blitzo: Which is why I'm tryin' to get that ball rolling. So, how does it look? It's good, right?

Eddie: It's been a literal hell having to pretend to be paralyzed so you f**ksh*ts wouldn't kill me! But now I want that. I want death! You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I'm a kid! We're suppose to like clowns! Even the creepy ones!

Moxxie: Hey, now! That's not very--

Eddie: If I wanted to hear from a spineless jacka**, I'd rip out your spine and ask you some sh*t.

Millie: That's my husband you're talkin' to!

Eddie: [laughs] That's your husband?!


Eddie: I figured you for a sl*t, but I didn't know you needed d**k THAT bad! And you!

Loona: What? What about me?

Eddie: Nothing. I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person.

Loona: [Whines]

Blitzo: Wow. Ah, y'know, kid, you kind of are a piece of sh*t.

Moxxie: Yeah, after all. He's kind of a piece of sh*t.


Loona: Oh, f**k! Guys, I just got a text from our client! Guess he was the right target after all!

Blitzo: Who?

Loona: Him.

Eddie: Me?

Loona: Yup.

Blitzo: They wanted us to kill an actual child?

Loona: That's what they're sayin'.

Blitzo: ...Well, Christ on a stick. I guess there is a God.

Eddie: OWWWW!


Blitzo: Y'know, folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people!


Blitzo: So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money... is gone and you're never getting it back, and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it, because it's Hell and no one f**kin' cares.


Blitzo: Y'know, even though this kid was a target... he's still a child. And it's important that we handle this going forward respectfully.


Eddie's Mother: Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at-- b-OHHH!


Blitzo: You're welcome!


[As the credits roll, a rough animatic of Moxxie singing "Oh, Millie" in full to Millie is shown.]