[Uncle Dane]
Man... I could really go for an update
Just go to this uh... Valve Drive Thru

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Hi, welcome to Valve
May I take your order?

[Uncle Dane]
Uh, yeah, could I get uhhhhh
Source 2?

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Alright, Source 2

[Uncle Dane]
Alright, and uhhh could I get a
If you could, um
If you could just bring back Quickplay
Uh, just get rid of uh

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Yep, Quickplay, yeah

[Uncle Dane]
Hold on - can you get rid of Casual Mode?
Just bring back Quickplay and get rid of Casual
[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Alright, Quickplay - here
Casual Mode - gone

[Uncle Dane]
Alright, and um
If you could just ban all the hackers
Just ban all of 'em
Just uh, ban—

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Alright, great - Ban all hackers

[Uncle Dane]
Shut up and listen to my order
Just ban all of the hackers, and uh
Just uninstall the game from all their computers
And you know what, ah-eh-ju
Also just ban all the Pyro mains too
And um, if you could add Highlander
And then, uh
Also add Fours, also
And if you could also add Ultiduo
And add B-Ball too

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Ultiduo and B-Ball, alright
Anything else?
[Uncle Dane]
Ah, yeah
If you could also, uh, just
Add better graphics
Just make the game have better graphics
And also, make the game run better on my 2010 Dell laptop computer, please
That would be really good

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Graphics, yup

[Uncle Dane]
Yeah, umm
And if you could nerf the Reserve Shooter
So that when you equip the weapon
It fucking crashes your game to desktop
And then it uninstalls the game from your computer completely

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Mhm, mhm, alright
Uninstalls game

[Uncle Dane]
Yeah, and then uhh oh—
And if you could buff the Bison
Just buff it so that, uh
It just does everything that it did before
And then also does like 300 damage and um it can penetrate through walls
[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Big Bison buff, alright

[Uncle Dane]
And if you think that that's not balanced enough
You could just make it have no random crits
I think that that would be good

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Will that be all?

[Uncle Dane]
Yeah, that's gonna be it

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Alright, that'll be 14.59 at the next window, uh, thank you—

[Uncle Dane]
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
Hold on
I thought this game was free
I have to pay?

[Ben Zimmer (Valve)]
Yes, sir

[Uncle Dane]
That's bullshit
Nah, that's bullshit
What the fuck
Alright
I'm—you know what?
Cancel everything on my order
I'm outta here, I'm leaving
I'm just gonna go to Blizzard