[Verse 1]
Now, I'm not one to get all excited
I'm seldom tense and never uptight
But there's one thing that really makes me mad
And that's coin machines, those nickels-and-dimers
Those out-of-order and work one-timers
Those penny-penching, money-grubbing monsters
I mean now, how many times have you had the munchies
So you whip out some change for some peanut crunchies
And you put it in the slot, you pull the handle and just nothin'
So you cuss and you beat it till your hand is bluе
You push and you shove, and you kick it with your shoe
And finally you just walk away, while it's blinking "thank you!"
Which is machinе for "We just did it to you"

[Chorus]
Oh, I'd like to meet the man who invented the coin machine
He must have hated mankind and every other living thing
I'll bet he had a motto on his wall in prose and rhyme
Sayin' you get nothin' for a nickel, twice as much for a dime

[Verse 2]
Well, they'll offer you cigarettes, soft drinks, cigars
Barbecue potato chips and all kinda candy bars
Peanuts, popcorn, cracker jacks and red hots
You can pay a quarter for a nickel comb
Get a throw away razor and a shot of cologne
Get a bad shoeshine that even polishes your socks
But I think the worst of those with the glass
Where you can see what you want, but you can bet your last
There ain't no way short of a blow torch
You're gonna get anything outta there
Then how 'bout those on the men's room wall
You know what I mean, boys, you've seen 'em all
When you lose six bits in one of them boogers
You're just too embarrassed to complain
So you kinda go on home by yourself
[Chorus]
Oh, I'd like to meet the man who invented the coin machine
He must have hated mankind and every other living thing
I'll bet he had a motto on his wall in prose and rhyme
Sayin' you get nothin' for a nickel, twice as much for a dime

[Verse 3]
Well, I heard this story about a fella one time
Who certainly is a hero of mine
He ranks right up there with Ernest Hemingway
Chet Adkins and Steven Seagall
Seems there was this certain soft drink machine
It was rusty and old, cantankerous and mean
And it took him for one too many quarters and his mind snapped
He went out to the truck and reached under the seat
And he whipped out a .45, clean and neat
He walked up to that machine and said:
"Hand it over, it's your last chance"
Then he plugged that thing about three or four times
Right under that blinkin' "Have a Cola" sign
It coughed and spit out $400 worth of quarters and died
Judge called it self defense

[Chorus]
Oh, I'd like to meet the man who invented the coin machine
He must have hated mankind and every other living thing
I'll bet he had a motto on his wall in prose and rhyme
Sayin' you get nothin' for a nickel, and twice as much for a dime
You get nothin' for a nickel, and twice as much for a dime