[YAKKO]
Well, we could try to do it, Santa, but without your magic ways
There's no way we'd fit eight billion presents in this tiny sleigh
We don't know how to make reindeer fly, and even if we did
It would take us weeks to ride from Puerto Rico to Madrid
Since we've only got one evening to deliver all these toys
To a billion different households full of parents, girls and boys
We would need an average sleigh speed of at least 12 miles per second
That's not counting bathroom breaks
Unless this sleigh's got a poop deck and I think-
Prancer and the others might burn up if we're that fast
Due to atmospheric drag just like a meteoric blast
‘Cause these speeds would mean these reindeer reach 3,000 Fahrenheit
They'd explode just moments into our inaugural Christmas flight!
And a sonic boom would work its way through Dasher, Donner, Dancer
Soon engulfing Cupid, Comet; Santa, this can't be the answer!
See the last thing that we'd wanna do is make the reindeer yelp!

[THE WARNERS]
We could try to do it, Santa
But we think we'd need your help!

[SANTA CLAUS]
Exploding reindeer is a risk I'm willing to take!

[YAKKO]
That's one cranky Kringle!
[SANTA CLAUS]
No! Bad Prancer!

[WAKKO]
We could try to do it, Santa, but for us three Christmas rookies
That's an awful lot of milk, and that's an awful lot of cookies
Let's assume four choc-chip biscuits and a pint of milk per house
That's 100,000 pounds of sugar! Only counting Laos
In Africa alone, the three of us would have to drink
600 million milky gallons, which is just enough, I think, to full up
Every single pool in Miami and Tallahassee
And Yakko can't drink milk at all, the lactose makes him gassy!
Before the night is out, each one of us will have knocked back
Roughly seven trillion calories, that's not including snacks
And our weight gain would be somewhere north of six quintillion tons
Which would make our bodies denser than the plasma in the sun
We'd implode upon ourselves, just like three mini neutron stars
Each exerting the same pull as the gravity of Mars
And our mass would tear the Earth into a million tiny shreds!

[THE WARNERS]
We could try to do it, Santa
But think you should go instead!

[SANTA CLAUS]
Okay, okay. Maybe you got a point
[DOT]
We could try to do it, Santa, but...

[SANTA CLAUS]
I see where this is going...

[DOT]
Without using mass surveillance, we would have no way of knowing
Which of all the girls and boys were nice, and which ones have been naughty
But the problem is this spying thing won't fly in federal court
See, we would need to put a wiretap on every single phone
And log every single web search, and pilot every drone
‘Till we had a constant feed of every single child on Earth
And with every single second, Santa, five more moms give birth!
See, there's just no way to spy on all those kids all by ourselves
So, we'd have to form an agency from all your worker elves
With a team of thousands; sure, maybe we could handle the load
Then, one would surely blow the whistle, though, our own elf Edward Snowden
Then, our crooked operation would collapse in on itself
And Vlad would gibe asylum to that loose-lipped little elf
And we'd take the fall, we're not above the law in any way

[THE WARNERS]
We could try to do it, Santa
But we're not the NSA!!!