DRAMATIS PERSONAE: SWEENEY. WAUCHOPE. HORSFALL. KLIPSTEIN. KRUMPACKER. SWARTS. SNOW. DORIS. DUSTY.
(All PRESET IN SCENE)

SWEENEY: ....................I’ll carry you off
To a cannibal isle.

DORIS: You’ll be the cannibal!

SWEENEY:
You’ll be the missionary!
You’ll be my little seven stone missionary!
I’ll gobble you up. I’ll be the cannibal.

DORIS: You’ll carry me off? To a cannibal isle?

SWEENEY: I’ll be the cannibal.

DORIS: ....................I’ll be the missionary.
I’ll convert you!

SWEENEY: ....................I’ll convert you!
Into a stew.
A nice little, white little, missionary stew.

DORIS: You wouldn’t eat me!
SWEENEY: ....................Yes I’d eat you!
In a nice little, white little, soft little, tender little,
Juicy little, right little, missionary stew.
You see this egg
You see this egg
Well that’s life on a crocodile isle.
There’s no telephones
There’s no gramophones
There’s no motor cars
No two-seaters, no six-seaters,
No Citroën, no Rolls-Royce.
Nothing to eat but the fruit as it grows.
Nothing to see but the palmtrees one way
And the sea the other way,
Nothing to hear but the sound of the surf.
Nothing at all but three things

DORIS: ....................What things?

SWEENEY: Birth, and copulation, and death.
That’s all, that’s all, that’s all, that’s all,
Birth, and copulation, and death.

DORIS: I’d be bored.

SWEENEY: ....................You’d be bored.
Birth, and copulation, and death.
DORIS: I’d be bored.

SWEENEY: ....................You’d be bored.
Birth, and copulation, and death.
That’s all the facts when you come to brass tacks:
Birth, and copulation, and death.
I’ve been born, and once is enough.
You dont remember, but I remember,
Once is enough.

..............SONG BY WAUCHOPE AND HORSFALL
..............SWARTS AS TAMBO. SNOW AS BONES

....................Under the bamboo
....................Bamboo bamboo
....................Under the bamboo tree
....................Two live as one
....................One live as two
....................Two live as three
....................Under the bam
....................Under the boo
....................Under the bamboo tree.

..................... .Where the breadfruit fall
....................And the penguin call
....................And the sound is the sound of the sea
....................Under the bam
....................Under the boo
....................Under the bamboo tree.
..................... .Where the Gauguin maids
....................In the banyan shades
....................Wear palmleaf drapery
....................Under the bam
....................Under the boo
....................Under the bamboo tree.

..................... .Tell me in what part of the wood
....................Do you want to flirt with me?
....................Under the breadfruit, banyan, palmleaf
....................Or under the bamboo tree?
....................Any old tree will do for me
....................Any old wood is just as good
....................Any old isle is just my style
....................Any fresh egg
....................Any fresh egg
....................And the sound of the coral sea.

DORIS: I don’t like eggs; I never liked eggs;
And I don’t like life on your crocodile isle.

..............SONG BY KLIPSTEIN AND KRUMPACKER
.....................SNOW AND SWARTS AS BEFORE

....................My little island girl
....................My little island girl
....................I’m going to stay with you
....................And we won't worry what to do
....................We won't have to catch any trains
....................And we won't go home when it rains
....................We’ll gather hibiscus flowers
....................For it won't be minutes but hours
....................For it won't be hours but years

....................And the morning
....................And the evening
....................And noontime
diminuendo
....................And night
....................Morning
....................Evening
....................Noontime
....................Night

DORIS: That’s not life, that’s no life
Why I’d just as soon be dead.
SWEENEY: That’s what life is. Just is

DORIS: ....................What is?
What’s that life is?

SWEENEY: ....................Life is death.
I knew a man once did a girl in―

DORIS: Oh Mr. Sweeney, please dont talk,
I cut the cards before you came
And I drew the coffin

SWARTS: ....................You drew the coffin?

DORIS: I drew the COFFIN very last card.
I dont care for such conversation
A woman runs a terrible risk.

SNOW: Let Mr. Sweeney continue his story.
I assure you, Sir, we are very interested.

SWEENEY: I knew a man once did a girl in
Any man might do a girl in
Any man has to, needs to, wants to
Once in a lifetime, do a girl in.
Well he kept her there in a bath
With a gallon of lysol in a bath

SWARTS: These fellows always get pinched in the end.

SNOW: Excuse me, they dont all get pinched in the end.
What about them bones on Epsom Heath?
I seen that in the papers
You seen it in the papers
They dont all get pinched in the end.

DORIS: A woman runs a terrible risk.

SNOW: Let Mr. Sweeney continue his story.

SWEENEY: This one didn’t get pinched in the end
But that’s another story too.
This went on for a couple of months
Nobody came
And nobody went
But he took in the milk and he paid the rent.

SWARTS: What did he do?
All that time, what did he do?

SWEENEY: What did he do! what did he do?
That dont apply.
Talk to live men about what they do.
He used to come and see me sometimes
I’d give him a drink and cheer him up.

DORIS: Cheer him up?

DUSTY: ....................Cheer him up?

SWEENEY: Well here again that dont apply
But I’ve gotta use words when I talk to you.
But here’s what I was going to say.
He didn’t know if he was alive and the girl was dead
He didn’t know if the girl was alive and he was dead
He didn’t know if they both were alive or both were dead
If he was alive then the milkman wasn’t and the rent-collector wasn’t
And if they were alive then he was dead.
There wasn’t any joint
There wasn’t any joint
For when you’re alone
When you’re alone like he was alone
You’re either or neither
I tell you again it dont apply
Death or life or life or death
Death is life and life is death
I gotta use words when I talk to you
But if you understand or if you dont
That’s nothing to me and nothing to you
We all gotta do what we gotta do
We’re gona sit here and drink this booze
We’re gona sit here and have a tune
We’re gona stay and we’re gona go
And somebody’s gotta pay the rent

DORIS: ....................I know who

SWEENEY: But that’s nothing to me and nothing to you.

FULL CHORUS: WAUCHOPE, HORSFALL, KLIPSTEIN, KRUMPACKER
.....................

When you’re alone in the middle of the night and you wake in a sweat and a hell of a fright
When you’re alone in the middle of the bed and you wake like someone hit you on the head
You’ve had a cream of a nightmare dream and you’ve got the hoo-ha’s coming to you.
Hoo hoo hoo
You dreamt you waked up at seven o’clock and it’s foggy and it’s damp and it’s dawn and it’s dark
And you wait for a knock and the turning of a lock for you know the hangman’s waiting for you.
And perhaps you’re alive
And perhaps you’re dead
Hoo ha ha
Hoo ha ha
HOO
HOO
HOO
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK