STILGOE
Ticket prices being what they are, we thought we'd save you going to some of the other forms of entertainment you might have been to tonight by doing them here. And we thought we'd start off at the Barbican Concert Hall... because it's safer starting at the Barbican rather than starting somewhere else and trying to find the Barbican later on

[Laughter]

If... if you were at the Barbican, you might be listening to the finest flute playеr Northern Ireland has evеr produced

[Piano intro]

[Plays five bars of "Annie's Song" on mouth trumpet]

[The rest of this track is sung in a fake Belfast accent to the tune of the "Badinerie" from Bach's Orchestral Suite no. 2, BWV 1067]

Why do my eyes go from left to the right?
Listen, mate, if you'd been brought up like I was in Belfast
You'd find a way of avoiding a fight
When you are playing on your tin whistle
Under the eye of a guided missile
Gets to be a habit
Looking like a frightened rabbit
Once the flute had a bomb in it
And they said, you've got a minute
That is probably the reason that I play so fast

Why do my eyes go from left to the right?
I'm looking for the camera which has got the little light on
Checking to see that I'm in the limelight
Trying to resemble a kind of macho
Leprechaun when I am on each chat-show
Answering the questions
From my manager's suggestions
If I have to tell again about
The way I joined the Berlin
Philharmonic I shall almost certainly be dead
Why do my eyes go from left to the right?
Have to keep a good eye on the stopwatch
When I have started the Bumblebee's Flight
They all expect
The previous record will be wrecked
I have to play it ever faster
One day there'll be a disaster
I shall play the thing so quickly that the flute will melt

Why do my eyes go from right to left?
Well, if I'm honest, it's fear of theft
This thing I hold
'Tisn't very old
And it's gold
So I am worried that if I relax or
Shut either eye then a man with a hacksaw
Will cut bits off while I'm not looking

Why do my eyes go from left to the right?
Cos the conductor is now behind me
Used to be well in my line of sight
When I was only
In the band
Now I am lonely
At the front so I decided
All the faster pieces I did
I'll give up and just play easy things like Annie's Song
And the occasional obbligato
Wobbling around with a huge vibrato
[Mouth trumpet]
Can't go on forever
No, it must stop one day
They'll let me play
A concerto again instead of "Bless This House" on Stars on Sunday

[Applause]