[Intro]
Flim: "Thank you, one and all, for your attendance, and we guarantee that your time here will not be spent in vain!"
Flam: "In fact, we think it will prove to be the most valuable time you've ever spent!"
Applejack: "The Flim Flam Brothers! This should be interestin'."
Big McIntosh: "Eeyup."
Flim: "Welcome, one and all, to the demonstration of a lifetime!"
Flam: "A demonstration of a better life!"
Flim: "A demonstration of a better time! And if we haven't captured your interest just yet, by the time we've finished, an unfortunate phenomenon practically guarantees that we will!"
Flam: "A phenomenon? What's that?"
Flim: "It's a circumstance perceptible by the senses, but in this case, it's the simple fact that..."

[Verse 1: Flim, Flam]
There's ailments all around us in everything we touch and see
A sickness that lies waiting there in every breath you breathe
The disease will up and grab you as it crawls from land and sea
It's amazing how infected that the natural world and all its things can be
(Flim: "Now I understand that some of you don't think you're sick.")
(Flam: "But twisted hooves and aching joints don't heal all that quick.")
(Flim: "Consider just how dangerous this world is! You might...")
Slip and fall, break or sprain something here tonight

[Chorus: Flim and Flam]
But luckily for you, we've got the thing you need
And it's easier when all you need's the cure
The Flim Flam Miracle Curative Tonic
Is just what the doctor ordered, I'm sure
[Verse 2, spoken]
Flim: "Now I know our claims seem fantastical."
Flam: "Impractical."
Flim: "Improbable."
Flam: "Impossible."
Flim and Flam: "And magical!"
Flim: "So we welcome every suffering pony to make their way up to the stage."
Flam: "Now don't crowd."
Flim: "And we'll prove our tonic's effectiveness before your very eyes."
Flam: "You there! Come up here, good sir."
Flim: "I'll wager you're tired of those crutches, my friend."
Flam: "Try taking a sip of this!"

[Chorus: Flim and Flam, Silver Shill]
That's why you're so lucky we've got the thing for you
Just come on up, we've always got some more
Of the Flim Flam Miracle Curative Tonic
I won't need these crutches to dance out the door

[Post-Chorus, spoken]
Granny Smith: "Now how do ya like that?"
Applejack: "I don't. There's somethin' funny about this whole thing."

[Verse 3: Flim, Flam]
Now some of you may suffer from feelings of despair
You're old, you're tired, your legs won't work, there's graying in your hair
Just listen and I'll tell you that you don't need to fear
Your ears will work, your muscles tone, your eyes will see so clear
[Chorus: Crowd]
Luckily for us, you've got the thing we need
The answer to our problems in a jar
The Flim Flam Miracle Curative Tonic
Is the greatest ever miracle by far!

[Outro: Flim and Flam, both]
(Crowd: "Tonic... tonic... tonic...")
(Flim: "It cures the reins, the spurs, and the Clydesdale fur blight.")
(Flam: "Hooferia and horsentery cured in just a night.")
(Flim: "You've got swollen hooves and hindquarters or terrible bridle-bit cleft.")
(Flam: "Saunter sitz and gallop plop will give your tail some heft.")
(Flim: "Mane loss, hay fever, or terrible tonsillitis.")
(Flam: "You heard it here, folks! This is the only place in all of Equestria you'll find it!")
It can make you shorter, taller, or even grow old
But who'd want that?
When with one drink
You can be young again

(Granny Smith: SOLD!)
(Flim: Congratulations, Granny Smith! You just made the purchase of a lifetime!)
(Applejack: Are you as worried as I am?)
(Big McIntosh: Eeyup.)