[NEIL, spoken]
Wow, check out this place
Check out everything

(sung)
Check out the glamour, the glitter
People tweeting on the Twitter
And no one's drunk and bitter yet 'cause no one has lost
Look at the diamond, the dresses
People going to excesses
The stress is on and everybody's fingers are crossed

I know the camera's on and we're behaving our best
Yet, I secretly hope someone pulls a Kanye West
But we are here tonight with our Xanax and Dior
Thank you, lists and publicists, who fought the Oscar war
Tonight we toast what we love most
And I am thrilled to be your host
'Cause all of it is for...

Moving pictures, shadows and lies
Like a magic trick done in plain sight
Why do we love them? Why do we care?
When they're just moving pictures that aren't really there

But then I think of Chaplin and Monroe and Argo and Fargo
Or when Marty made his car go back in time at the mall
And then there's Bardot and Brando and Billy Dee as Lando
Or when Sharon went commando and unsettled us all
I gasp when Indy goes back for his hat
Or when I think off all the tension between Ben and Matt...
(spoken)
Oh, my stars!

(sung)
I love transformers that transform and perfect storms that storm
Small town girls who change the world by challenging the norm
"Godfather 2", the movie "Clue", all the films that inspire you
To stand up and perform

Moving pictures take us over the rainbow
Across the fields of our dreams
In the heat of the night to defeat
And to fight evil schemes
To swim or to swing, to dance or to sing
To flee down a flight in fright
Yes, moving pictures are

[NEIL & ANNA]
Coming to life tonight

[ANNA]
Moving pictures

[NEIL]
Moving pictures
[ANNA]
Where is my shoe?

[NEIL]
Is this your Jimmy Choo?

[ANNA]
Why, yes!

[NEIL & ANNA]
Back to moving pictures

[NEIL]
And how they can move you

[ANNA]
And also improve you

[NEIL]
The joy of pretending

[ANNA]
With such happy endings
Except for in "Gone Girl"
When that lady slit your throat!
[NEIL, spoken]
Spoiler alert

[NEIL & ANNA]
Moving pictures

[JACK]
Stop!
This is what you sound like

Movies, movies, wow, they rock!
Well, once they did, but listen kid, it's all a big crock
Now it's market trends and fickle friends and Hollywood baloney
Believe me, Neil, you're better off just polishing your Tony
This industry's in flux, it's run by mucky-mucks
Pitching tents for tentpoles and chasing Chinese bucks
Opening with lots of zeroes, all we get are superheroes
Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, Jedi man
Sequel man, prequel man, formulaic scripts!
And after "50 Shades of Grey" they'll all have leather whips
In a world where our brains are becoming machines
The only screens we're watching are the screens in our jeans

[NEIL, spoken]
Jack!

[JACK]
Screens in our jeans, screens in our jeans

[NEIL, spoken]
Jack!

[JACK]
The only screens we're watching are the—

[NEIL, spoken]
Jack!

I'm trying to... I'm kinda in the...
Would you mind?

[JACK, spoken]
But you know?

[NEIL, spoken]
I know! But you...

[ANNA, spoken]
Beat it!

[JACK, spoken]
Fine!

[NEIL]
Yes, green-lit films can stall

[ANNA]
Scripts can hit a wall

[NEIL]
Stars may pass

[ANNA]
Or fire your ass

[NEIL]
And weekly grosses fall

But when they hit, you must admit
They sometimes change your view of it
In ways both big and small

[ANNA]
Have a ball!

[NEIL]
Moving pictures, millions of pixels on screens
They may not be real life
But they'll show you what life really means
More than any one image, more than any one star
Truly, moving pictures, shape who we are

Whether we're big brained and British or hiking and skittish
A legendary leader, a Birdman in a theater
A boy we watch until he's grown, a sniper in a combat zone
A wealthy philanthropic creep, magic Meryl effin' Streep
Lobby boys and bleeding drummers
All these awesome up and comers
Who will get a statue? Results are coming at you!
At the 87th Oscars moving picture show!