[Round 1: James Corden]
I heard I was battling an A-list hunk
But when I saw Ashton Kutcher, I knew I was getting Punk'd
You haven't had a hit movie since 2002
You were so bad in Jobs, even Siri won't talk to you
On That '70s Show, you're a stoner with jokes
Which is ironic, 'cause tonight, you're the one who's gettin' smoked
You do great charity work year after year
Wanna save something from dying? Start with your career

[Round 1: Ashton Kutcher]
People came to see Peter Rabbit battle me
But your battle's with your lady, her rabbit's outta batteries
My career's been doin' fine ever since the '70s
Your job's an Uber driver for real celebrities
You were at the Royal Wedding, and that seems right
Every wedding has a guest they didn't invite
People see me at valet, they say, "Look, it's a star!"
They see you at valet, they say, "Dude, where's my car?"

[Round 2: James Corden]
You made fun of Peter Rabbit and my work on Carpool
I'm not taking that from the tool who made trucker hats cool
Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve are movies you've fumbled
You've ruined more holidays than a Trump-loving uncle
You joined Two and a Half Men, but producers intervened
It's the only time people thought, "Man, I miss Charlie Sheen"
You invested all your money in technology and apps
Hell, I'd do the same if I knew I couldn't act
[Round 2: Ashton Kutcher]
"If" you couldn't act, James, that's the test?
Well, the results are in, then: it's time to invest
Your jokes are like your suits: a stretch and a groan
You look like a hard-boiled egg applying for a loan
I hate to kick a man when he's down in a slump
But I'm lookin' at the baby of Kim Jong-Un and Donald Trump
And now you're off to London, is that a fact?
Well, take some advice, James, and don't ever come back

[Round 3: James Corden]
Your IMDb is filled with movies that suck
Forget straight-to-DVD, these are straight-to-garbage-trucks
Your career since 2000's been totally depressing
Your new show The Ranch has ruined my favorite dressing
You were a '90s heartthrob, but nowadays that's a reach
I'd rather work with Wilmer, and he's your show's Screech
You married Mila Kunis, so I guess that's cool
But why the hell is she still with the loser she dated in high school?

[Round 3: Ashton Kutcher]
Your favorite salad dressing? C'mon, dude, be real
Ranch is your favorite beverage, skin cream, and meal
Didn't like my Apple movie? I find that odd
Judging from your track record, you'll take any Jobs
You did Ocean's 8, that's worth mentionin'
Prolly shoulda called it Oceans Ate Everything
And before that, you did so many animated flicks
That we haven't seen this face in a movie since you last saw your dick