[Intro]
Well, it's a little late for Christmas, but have one anyway
And while I'm on the subject, baby, have a happy birthday
How's your father? How's your mom?
Don't it make you itch a little, when you know they've got the bomb?
Boy, it's been weird out here lately, but I guess that's OK too
'Cause television is here to save us and tell us what to do

[Chorus]
Kojak, Kojak, Kojak, Columbo
Sell me an old one, sell me some gumbo
Tell me a new one, at least once a night
Show me an old one, but don't turn out your love light

[Verse]
You've got nineteen inches, baby, and that's a real good size
I could lie there on the floor and just look at you all night long
I could just twist your knobs right off and fool around with you
I don't need no TV guide to tell me what to do

[Chorus]
Kojak, Kojak, Kojak, Columbo
Sell me an old one, sell me some gumbo
Tell me a new one, at least once a night
Tell me an old one, but save out your love light
[Bridge]
Ah, and when I get too old, too old to rock and roll
I'll sit in my unrockin' chair, babe, and use my remote control

[Chorus]
Kojak, Kojak, Kojak, Columbo
Sell me an old one, sell me some gumbo
Tell me a new one, at least once a night
Show me an old one but don't turn out your love light

[Outro]
You've got nineteen inches, baby, that's a real good size
I'd like to poke my eyes inside you, baby, and just look around
I love your cute little rabbit ears, I love your cable and your box
And when I turn out the light at night, baby, I hope that light never stops
Your love light, Kojak