[Verse 1]
Wanted to have some quality time with my son
So I brought him down to the fishing hole
Didn't like the feeling of that worm in his hand
Got mad, threw down his fishing pole
I said "That's alright, son let's go and get an ice cream
Let your old man buy you a treat."
But he didn't like no flavors up upon that wall
Started crying and ran into the street

[Hook 1]
He's an asshole
My kid's an asshole
I swear, it just don't float my boat
Always crying, always crying
Made me want to punch him in his little throat

[Verse 2]
Called my lady up to tell her what had happened
How our son had run away
She said don't worry baby, I will talk to him
And everything will be okay

[Hook 2]
My lady's an asshole
She's an asshole
Her assholishness is off the charts
Always perfect, always perfect
Made me want to punch her in her lady parts
[Verse 3]
I decided I'd go down to the bar
And drown my sorrows in a beer
The sign outside said closed for renovations
We'll open up again next year

[Hook 3]
That bar is an asshole
It's an asshole
Oh, the worst bar in the land
Always closing, always closing
Can't punch a bar cause you'll hurt your hand

[Verse 4]
I went home to forget about my troubles
Sat down in my favorite easy chair
But I couldn't relax for the pain I was feeling
As my hemroid began to flare

[Hook 4]
My asshole's an asshole
A real butthole
He should put his asshole self in check
Always burning, always itching
Makes me want to punch him in his asshole neck
[Verse 5]
Late one night, lying awake in bed
A realization came
Are there really asshole's everywhere I look
Or am I the one to blame?
Maybe I just do not say the things I should say
And I don't do the things I ought
So I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror
And this is what I thought:

[Hook 5]
The guy who sold me this mirror's an asshole
He's an asshole, son of a bitch said it was antique
He was lying, he was lying
Made me want to punch him in his salesman cheek

[Outro]
I'm on a real asshole streak
I could open up an asshole boutique
I think this song has reached it's peak
Goodbye, you assholes, see you next week