[Verse 1]
Two men sittin' in straight back chairs
Feet propped up on the railin'
Sittin' in front of the country store
Discussin' how the crops were failin'

[Verse 2]
About that time a car drove by
With an Ace Insurance bumper sticker
Well, that must be the man been courtin' Abell
He's somethin' of a city slicker
(Ah, you can tell just in the way he's drivin' that car)

[Verse 3]
Do you reckon he's goin' up to see Abell?
You know her daddy went to Maben this day
And her momma's been in Arkansas with her ailin' pa
Ain't nobody home that way
(Ha, ha, 'cept Abell)

[Verse 4]
Now, I don't mean nothin' by what I say
But if you won't say it, I can
She ain't got no bid'ness alone
With that Ace Insurance man
(Why they's just no tellin' what might happen)
[Verse 5]
People ought to keep an eye on they're kids
You remember 'bout Abby McGuinness
Why't like't killed her ma when she found out about it
Course, I know it ain't none of my bid'ness
But uh, well, if it was me, but if it was me

[Verse 6]
Well, It might be too late and it would be a pity
Better call up the sheriff in Calhoun City
And have the preacher organize a 'vestigatin' committee
To see what's goin' on
(Yes, sir, and we better hurry)

[Verse 7]
Tearin' down the road in a pickup truck
With Begley out takin' the lead
Followed by a tractor and a half-lame mule
Dust flyin' as they picked up speed

[Verse 8]
Faces beamin' goodness and their jaw's set hard
Good people just doin' what's right
And off in the distance was Abell's house
And there wasn't a soul in sight
Aw, I coulda told you
(Oh, I just knew it)
[Verse 9]
Now, the gravel was flyin' as they turned the bend
And screeched to a grindin' halt
They went through the fence, into the flower bed
And hit Pa's first prize hog in the head
And left half a dozen Mama's chickens for dead
But it wasn't nobody's fault

[Bridge]
Oh, look at Harvey's prize hog
And all of them darlin' old grown bad chickens
(We got more important things to tend to, boy)
I wonder if they're covered?

[Verse 10]
Committee bounded on the front porch
To meet the enemy face to face
When Abell yelled at 'em through the screen door
"Y'all messed up my Daddy's place"

[Verse 11]
In her hand she waved a policy
Said with a Mona Lisa grin
"Well, y'all timed that one just about right
'Cause Ace done struck again, a-heh"