I was walking down the high street
When I heard footsteps behind me
And there was a little old man (Hello!)
In scarlet and gray, chuckling away

Well, he trotted back to my house
And he sat beside the telly (Ahh!)
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day

"I ought to report you to the Gnome Office."
"Gnome Office? Ahahahah!"

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
Said the laughing gnome

Well, I gave him roasted toadstools
And a glass of dandelion wine. (*burp* Pardon...)
Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne
Carried his bag, and gave him a fag

"Have you got a light, boy?"
"Here, where do you come from?"
"Gnome-man's land, heehee!"
"Oh, really?"
In the morning, when I woke up
He was sitting on the edge of my bed
With his brother, whose name was Fred
He'd brought him along to sing me a song

"Alright, let's hear it... 'ere, what's that clicking noise?"
"That's Fred, he's a metro-gnome, haha!"

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

"Oh now, I'm a gnome, anyway, haha!"
"Haven't you got a home to go to?"
"No, we are gnome-ads, hehe!"
"Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school?
You look like a rolling gnome."
"Nah, not at the London school of Eco-gnome-ics."

Now they're staying up me chimney
And we're living on caviar and honey (Hurray!)
'Cause they're earning me lots of money
Writing comedy prose for radio shows

"It's the, errrr... it's the gnome-service, yes, of course!"
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you...
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
(Oh, dear me...)
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
(One more time!)
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me