In the olden days of yore
This kingdom was barren and cloaked in darkness
Until Erdrick, noble knight
Used balls of light to set the kingdom right
And you, as his descendant, are fated to defend it
Go fight! Bring back the light!
O, Dragon Warrior

The princess must be rescued soon (preferably this afternoon)
The ball of light must be returned (but at the moment you’re a noob)
You may be brave but you’re a small, weak rube
You’ve got so much XP to earn
(So get your ass out there and grind)

Gotta grind, gotta grind, gotta grind it
Lotta stuff, lotta stuff, gotta find it
Sit down and commit now to legit rounds of outwitting shitclowns
Gotta grind, gotta grind (Break it down now!)
(You gotta grind!)
Lotta stuff, lotta stuff, gotta find it
Keep an open mind when in a bind ‘cause who knows what’s behind it?

In this game everything takes a really long time
Holy balls! Don’t you know that there’s stairs there?
At this pace, it’s a slow and deliberate climb
Slow my god, like a snail with a walker
This game’s hard, you get mad and controllers are flung
Where the fuck are these magical doodads?
How did kids have the patience to deal with this dung?
Jeezy Cripes, how did anyone play this?
Don’t be discouraged, just read Nintendo Power
Or call the Nintendo Power Line number
Or just get the strategy guide!
Now they’ve got more of your cash
But you have the power to slay a dragon!
For a little extra dough, you’re in the know
You fuckin' run the show
This quest was just a cunning attempt to make more money
They win, you paid again!
That’s Dragon Warrior