Disc one spins, and a tale begins
About a punky dude who's emo just a bit?
His memory's shit, but he's real tight-knit
With a childhood friend who has enormous eyes

He teams up with a guy who's basically
How Asians think black people really act
And they enlist ecoterrorists
'Cause they're violent environmentalists

But along the way Cloud goes astray
And he falls into a church
(I pity da fool!)
Meets a chick, they quickly click
And then she's kidnapped by an evil corp'rate dick

Now the party tries to get her back
But they fail real hard and soon get trapped
Suddenly they're free
But why, how can this be?

They trace a bloody trail
And find this guy impaled
They ask who knocked him off
A man named Sephiroth
But now they must depart
In a sequence I call "Super Mako Kart!"

Blow by blow, that's the whole intro
But there is so much more awaiting them
And so just where they'll go, they don't even know
That's when minigames start messing with the flow

Minigames, minigames
So many, so mini
Minigames, many games
Hard to tell things apart
Which is the normal game? Which is the minigame?
CPR minigame! Dolphin jump minigame
Battle-bots minigame! Gay orgy minigame!
Chocobo race minigame! Snowboarding minigame!
Hypothermia minigame! Slappedy slappedy minigame!
Submarine minigame! Thirty cats minigame!
Fall and die minigame!
"Who am I?" minigame!

In '97, this game took the cake
You might say Squaresoft hit its limit break
F-F-V-I-I
Your sales were high, you hit your stride
Not a dry eye
When Aerith die-yied, yes, we cried
But that aside
F-F-V-I-I
Your plot has mile-wide gaping holes
And in my eyes
You mostly ride on visuals

Such a technological leap
But the story curve is so steep
Still the fanboys say you're number one

Sure, you mainstreamed JRPGs
Brought the cartridge guys to their knees
But some things lost got i'n tarnslation!
At least there's not a sword that's also a gun!

And in the end, despite the typos
And endless sidequest filler
Less folks woulda played numbers one through six
If seven hadn't been so killer!

F-F-V-I-I
You were ambitious, you had guts
Maybe pie-eyed
Some parts were real kicks in the nuts
But you kicked butts

Oh, F-F-V-I-I
You're a wonderful, blunderful
Adorable, historical
Tactical, phantasmical
And finally fantastical
Mess