If there ever were a species for whom sex hurt
It surely went extinct long ago
Now, the tomcat's penis, well, it's barbed like a cactus
But the screams are just for show

And when a bed bug is matin', well, he stabs her while he's batin'
And inseminates the open wound
Now I've never had sex with an actual person
But I sure hope I find one soon

I don't know much about evolution
And I don't know much about girls
Just my dog, my god, my gun and a bottle o' Bud
I also don't know much about anatomy
And I haven't seen much of the world
But I kinda figure sex feels like wrasslin' with a pig in the mud
At least I hope so

But if there ever were a species for whom sex hurt
It surely went extinct long ago
When praying mantises are bedded, well, the male gets beheaded
But I-I'm sure he likes it, though

And when a squirrel in his hut finds a girl and busts a nut
Well, he kinda sorta glues her shut
(What?) Look it up!
I've never left the Carolinas, never seen a real vagina
I, I assume it's just like a tiny little butt, right?
But if there ever were a species for whom sex hurt
It surely went extinct long ago
I don't go to the dentist, and I don't know what consent is
But there's always room to grow
And if there's a situation where the act of copulation
Would be anything but rip-roarin' fun
Maybe somethin' could persuade me if'n I could just get laid
Before I turn seventy-one
Next year!
Before I turn seventy-one
I'm old!
And I do not understand sex
Nope