[Verse 1: Joe Hawley]
Your mother's so fat they didn't call Ghostbusters
Stay Puft Man was all, "I don't trust her"
In other words, she ate him
Stay Puft Man's big, so that's how we know she's fat -- just to clarify

[Chorus: Michael Gregory]
Basketball
A basketball
Yeah? Well, your mother is a basketball
I went there
Your mother is a basketball
A basketball
She's a basketball

[Bridge 1: Allegra Rosenberg]
Stop
Everybody take five
Good show guys, but I don't feel a vibe
Let it all out; don't hold back, incriminate
Here on this court you've gotta push it to the limit, mate
Reach deep inside
Throw the shots
Come alive
I'll be here tweeting the whole thing live
​so guys, be loquacious
Show off your gall
What did you say his mother was again?
[Verse 2: Michael Gregory]
A basketball
A basketball! After all
She's bouncing like she had a bottle of Adderall
She's also fat
Not sure if I mentioned that
Twenty-nine inches wide from all sides, to be exact

[Verse 3: Joe Hawley]
Man, that's whack. I object! but to change the subject
I double dribbl'd your mom's bombs and she liked it
Now I'm flying higher than a window wiper
While you're airing free throws like a drunken sniper

[Verse 4: Michael Gregory]
I'm'a lead you to reason like the Zeppelin Piper
If your mom were on Tinder I'd swipe her right 'cause I like her
She's spherical, meaningful, queer, and clerical
A leather planet with a gravity that makes you feel the pull

[Bridge 2: Allegra Rosenberg, Stephanie Koenig]
Ooh!
Feeling it now; moves smoove, so adroit (In empty stadiums we hide)
World's hearing it now, Down Under to Detroit
Pity the pal who fails to score a swish
Never gonna hit the buzzer 'cause she just won't fit
Not that curvy's bad, boys (En masse amassing eyes shut wide)
In fact, it's sad that the Women's NBA's isn't more round and rad
Don't lose ground
Be a man
Do they fit basketballs with gastric bands?
[Verse 5: Joe Hawley, Michael Gregory]
Oedipus Rex, Electra complex
Pegasus wings on these foot springs, but I digress
Surf's up aboard a tidal wave of jump
Yo' 'boks probably don't even pump, chump!
Sup?!
I got pump up 'boks, I'll palm my ball in my hand
​and shoot infinity points from up across this land
​so you can't press the man if you know what's best, son
​lest you wanna become a tripping guessing lesson

[Bridge: Allegra Rosenberg, Stephanie Koenig, Joe Hawley, Michael & Joe]
Slam dunk!
Foul?
Ref, make the call!
Oh gee, oh gosh, this is all too much
Guys, I gotta confide
I'm just an actress, y'all, picked last at the dang-blasted casting call

[Verse 7: Michael Gregory]
Some games don't have winners
Some chickens don't end up on plates for dinners
They contain the innards
But we know the sun will always rise and always fall
And that your mother will always be a basketball
[Chorus: Michael Gregory]
Basketball
A basketball
If you're listening, your mother is a basketball
That's right, YOU
Your mother is a basketball
She's a basketball
Bouncy basketball

[Outro: Stephanie Koenig]
Over a rainbow in despair
Somehow
Somewhen
Someway
Somewhere​