[Verse 1]
I tried hard to find religion
But all I could find was sin
I perched in the church like a pigeon
But I dreamt about women and gin

[Chorus]
Please, Baby Jesus, won't you come out to play?
Your plaster good looks are appealing
Your shepherd companions are obviously gay
Won't you please try to show some feelings?

[Verse 2]
I tried hard to find a woman
But all I could find was a wife
She had me convinced I was no one
And I had her convinced she was right

[Chorus]
Please, pretty woman, when you come out to play
Just check your guns at the door
I just want to love you, I don't want to stay
I've already been therе before

[Verse 3]
I tried hard to find a wisе man
But all I could find was a fool
With his history books full of lies
And his PhD for a soul
[Verse 4]
And all of these heroes we struggle to find
Are really just freaks in a circus
They take off their costumes and rewind their minds
And in the end they desert us