[Verse 1]
Well I arrived on time
My courduroy suit and me bottle of wine
There were women wall to wall
It's Saturday night and I wanted them all
Everyone

[Verse 2]
Sidled up for a dance
I tried a new step and fell in the plants
I told a joke, about the Pope
It wasn't as funny as I would've hoped, so listen
Nobody told me she was the daughter off the mayor
I was so embarrassed, I just wished the ground would swallow me up
An accidentally my elbow hit the record player
The rock 'n' roll stopped and everybody just stared (Oh no)

[Chorus]
Who's gonna take me home?
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed
Who's gonna take me home?
This party's gone right to my head
Listen boys

[Verse 3]
I didn't worry, not me
Panic ain't in my vocabulary
Smashed beyond reproach
Suddenly I wanted to take off my clothes
All hell broke loose
I started to take off my trousers and shoes
And so I tried to look cool
I stepped back and fell in the pool
[Verse 4]
The hostess helped me out
And asked for my dismissal
I said I was sorry, but I've been
Under so much pressure
Just lately, baby
I felt as popular as a Russian guided missile
The last thing I remember, I left with a girl
On a motorbike
That weighed three hundred pounds and
What's wrong with that

[Chorus]
Who's gonna take me home?
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed
Who's gonna take me home?
This party's gone right to my head, to my head

[Verse 5]
I woke up on the floor
Still in my suit and she told me I snored
I never felt so cheap
I had a good laugh at the size of her feet
Holy Moses, I don't like this single living
I think I'll find me a nice local girl and
Settle on down, now
With a home and a garden
And a nature quite forgiving
Then again maybe I'll just hang around
[Chorus]
Who's gonna take me home?
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, right now
Who's gonna take me home?
This party's gone right to my head, to my head
Now who's gonna take me home?
Hey Brian could you give me a lift 'cause I don't live too far from you, boy?
Mary c'mon I've known you so long please give
Me a lift home, oh c'mon
Jim oh c'mon boys would you just
Give me a lift home
I don't live too far from here and I'm so tired