(So I've done a lot of comedy, so let's, uh, take a little break from that...and this is just a song that, if you'll just indulge me it's, uh yeah)

She was the perfect woman, in every single way
She made the sun shine brighter, and all my cares go away
She was the perfect woman, she was a gourmet chef
They say that love is blind, well it's also deaf

Cause Helen Keller was the perfect woman, and no one understands
Just how talented she was with her hands...UGH
God made her the perfect woman, I was the finishing touch
She was the perfect woman cause she didn't talk so much

She wanted to name the kids, so I finally let her
It turned out horribly; Chewbacca could've done better.. RAAAAAA
But a guess it was alright, we had a boy and a girl
Just me and Helen, ehhh-haaa, and Earl!

Cause Helen Keller was my miracle worker, I was her one-man-show
I could walk around the house naked, and she wouldn't even know
Helen Keller was my perfect woman, i was her only need
She didn't mind the zits on my ass, it gave her more to read

It gave her more to read, it gave her more to read
It gave her more to read, it gave her more to read
More to read, It gave her more to read, more to read

Helen Keller was my perfect woman, but I don't think she cared
I played this song for her, she just sat there and stared
She was still my perfect woman, I was sort of a mess
I asked her to marry me, she said, "UH-EE-OHHH!"