[Spoken]
Uh, thanks. Um... Welcome to my show; it's called:
"If You Sing Along I'll Fucking Kill You."
Uh, this is a song

[Singing]
Every time I go to dinner
It seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table
I can talk; they're not able
When I look at them I find
There's a single question on their mind
I wish it could go back to the way it was
It's not easy now because

My whole family thinks I'm gay
I guess it's always been that way
Maybe its cause of the way that I walk
That makes them think I like... boys
That I like boys

The God damn question just won't go away
And, I get asked it every single day
But, the way they ask is not a disguise
Like "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?" (That's... funny)
This is the worst; baby, this was my fear
Now, their opinions are crystal-clear because
My whole family now is shocked
I'm in the closet, and the door is locked
Now my glory days are gone
I was John Elway; now I'm Elton John

My whole family now suspects
That watching Spongebob had side-effects
I'm not gay, and that's what I said
If I'm gay, hey God, strike me dead
[Hacking/coughing]

Just cause I'm afraid of the snow
Or my favorite color is the rainbow
I don't mean to yell, but I fear I must
'Cause I'm losing the people that I thought I could trust

Because even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay (Motherfuck--)

You all probably think I'm gay
Man, this song is counterproductive
La la la la la

Because my whole family thinks I'm gay
What do they know anyway?
You gotta look right through the haze
Easy-Bake Oven was just a phase
My whole family thinks I'm queer
That is all I ever hear
But I've been as straight as a ramp
If you don't count Bible camp

[Spoken]
Thanks for comin' out, uh
Hey, so those ASU girls are pretty hot, any of you... any of ya?

[cheering from audience]

Okay, this isn't a great example, but um...
I'm just kidding, you're in the dark, I couldn't see you
I bet you're gorgeous in the dark; um

You like my shirt? (Yeah)
Um, back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid
Well, that and faggot