[Album Version Intro]
There's things I don't wanna be misconstrued in my act that I feel often are. I don't want you leaving my show thinking that I think I know better than people, or that I think that I'm better than people in general, um. Okay, I just, wanted to put that out there. Uh, this is a song from the perspective of God

[Verse 1]
The books you think I wrote are way too thick
Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick?
And I don't watch you when you sleep
Surprisingly, I don't use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep

[Chorus]
You're not going to heaven
Why the fuck would you think I'd ever kick it with you?
None of you are going to heaven
There's a trillion aliens cooler than you

[Verse 2]
You shouldn't abstain from rape just 'cause you think that I want you to
You shouldn't rape 'cause rape is a fucked up thing to do
Pretty obvious, just don't fucking rape people, please
Didn't think I had to write that one down for ya
I don't think masturbation is obscene
It's absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen
You make my job a living hell
I sent gays to fix overpopulation, and boy, did that go well

[Chorus]
You're not going to heaven
Eat a thousand crackers, sing a million hymns
None of you are going to heaven
You're not my children, you're a bad game of Sims
[Verse 3]
You shouldn't abstain from pork just 'cause you think that I want you to
You can eat pork 'cause why the fuck would I give a shit?
I created the universe, think I'm drawing the line at the fuckin' deli aisle?
You argue and you bicker and you fight
Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus argue day and night
Over what they think is true
But no one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you

[Chorus]
You pray so badly for heaven
Knowing any day might be the day that you die
But maybe life on earth could be heaven
Doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

[Bridge]
My love's the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it
You won't need it
My love's the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it
You won't need it

[Outro]
I'm not gonna give you love just 'cause I know that you want me to
If you want love then the love has gotta come from you
Thank you very much