[Spoken Intro]
Hi gang, uh
Just woke up so I thought I'd serenade to you- serenade you rather with a song, uh
It's about my life, it's something that I need to come to realize and all of you should come to realize
Take it as it is, digest it, soak it in, then... Use it as you will
Okay

[Verse 1]
Every time I go to dinner, seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table, I can talk, well they’re not able
When I look at them I find, there's a single question on their mind
I wish it could go back to the way it was
It’s not easy now because

[Chorus]
My whole family thinks I’m gay
I guess it’s always been that way
Maybe it’s ‘cause of the way that I walk
Makes them think I like... Boys
That I like boys

[Verse 2]
The goddamn question just won’t go away
And I get asked every single day
But the way they ask it is no disguise
Like, “How was your day, do you like to kiss guys?”
This was the worst, baby this was my fear
Now their opinions are crystal clear
[Chorus]
Because, my whole family now is shocked
I’m in the closet and the door is locked
Now my glory days are gone
I was John Elway, now I’m Elton John
I’m Elton John

[Chorus]
My whole family now suspects
That watching SpongeBob had side-effects
But I’m not gay and that’s what I said
If I’m gay, then God strike me dead
(Coughing and choking)
That’s weird

[Verse 3]
Just 'cause I go to an all-guys school
Doesnt mean Justin Timberlake makes me drool
When I go outside what do I see
That the clouds in the sky spell F-A-G

[Chorus]
I think that God might think I’m gay
What does he know anyway?
My Grandma gave me a present just last year
And the card said “Happy Birthday, Queer”
"Happy Birthday, Queer"
[Chorus]
'Cause my whole family thinks I’m fab
“There’s a guy’s butt. Hey Bo, take a stab.”
Come on?
“Why doesn’t he get women? There’s no other way”
It’s ‘cause I’m lanky not ‘cause I’m gay
Not ‘cause I’m gay

[Verse 4]
Just ‘cause I’m afraid of the snow
Or my favorite color is the rainbow
I don’t mean to yell but I fear I must
Because I’m losing the people that I thought I could trust

[Bridge]
Because even my boyfriend thinks I’m gay
Just kidding

[Chorus]
You all probably think I’m gay
Man, this song is counterproductive
La-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, I'm not gay, I swear
Damn, not gay, I swear

[Chorus]
Baby, my whole family thinks I’m gay
What am I suppose to say?
Baby, you gotta look right through the haze
Easy bake oven was just a phase
[Chorus]
My whole family thinks I’m queer
That is all I ever hear
But I’ve been as straight as a ramp
If you don’t count Bible camp
[?]

[Outro]
I’m not gay, I swear