[Intro: computer voice, Bo Burnham]
Thank you for coming
You are here because you want to laugh and you want to forget about your problems
But I cannot allow it
You should not laugh
You should not forget about your problems
The world is not funny
We are all dying
The world is not funny
12% of the world's population does not have access to clean drinking water
The world is not funny
Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants
The world is not funny
So then
Now that we understand the context, now that we realize how terribly unfunny the world is...
Let's do this
Entertainers are not here to help you
They are here to control you
Never listen to them
Never give them what they want
And most importantly
Never make some fucking noise

[Verse 1: Bo Burnham (audience)]
Ladies
Ladies, if you feel me, say hell yeah
(Hell yeah)
Fellas
Come on, fellas, if you feel me, say hell yeah
(Hell yeah)
Virgins
If you haven't felt a person, say hell yeah
(Hell yeah)
If you can divide by zero, let me hear you say hell yeah
(Hell yeah)
[Break]
No you can't! Mathematically impossible
Listen, don't be Pavlovian. I'm looking for actual answers here, trying to gather information
Let's go!

[Verse 2]
If you like drinking booze, let me hear you say hell yeah
(Hell yeah)
If you like smoking weed, let me hear you say hell yeah
(Hell yeah)
Gotcha. Get these motherfuckers! Pot is ruining America
Psych
If you don't give a fuck about the law, let me hear you say fuck the police!
(Fuck the police)
If that seems oversimplified to you, let me hear you say it's a really tough job and they're doing their best
If you know nothing about the conflict between Israel and Palestine, and thus feel super uncomfortable about weighing in on it 'til you've read about it, let me hear you say...no comment
(No comment)
Good call. I have no idea what's going on over there. What are they fighting about?
They have similar hats
If you wanna start the show, let me hear you say hell yeah!
(Hell yeah)
If my name's Bo...whoops
I think you're done with this call-and-response shit
That's what I thought
You want me to get introspective?
Let's get introspective!
[Verse 3: Bo Burnham]
I can't wrap my mind around exactly why I'm here
I know you paid money, I should be funny
Other than that, I don't know why I'm here
To make you laugh, right? That's only half right
Look at the world, I don't know why I'm here
All this laughter can't feed starving Africans
I just hope I don't get more from this than you do
I would love to tell you that everything is fine
You wanna be happy, well, get in line
Yeah, this is almost musically incoherent at this point
But y'all ain't seen a comedy show like this in your fucking life
And for good reason
It gets old after a few minutes
You'll see

[Outro]
Let's get this show going
Let's get this show started
Okay
One, two, three, four
So I was at the dentist the other day
And nothing funny happened, so I was like "don't mention that on stage"
I already fucked it up