[Part I]

[Intro]
See you later, incredibly hot chick! Come back any time and do sexual things, like how we were just doing
Oh hey! Uh, okay, this is a new rap
Um, I'm Bo Burnham. This one is just straight wordplay, no gimmicks, just lyricism. Drop that beat, honey
Yeah

[Verse 1]
Walking my poodles, man, it never gets old
When my dog's on the leash, I got bitches on the hold
A first AIDS kit? That's a rhesus monkey
I bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie
I get more ass than a giant donkey stable
Got more lines than Whitney Houston's coffee table
I get more head than grammar school lice
I'm like a walking glacier, I'm so decked out with ice
Did you poop a virgin? 'Cause that shit is tight
Jack ain't Black, and Barry ain't White
I do drugs in the bedroom, lie on your back
'Cause I gots the pipe and you gots the crack
And though I'm sexually straight, you're bound to find
I'm mentally gay, 'cause I'll blow your mind
The parents be snickering, "He shouldn't have written it"
But I'm constipated—couldn't give a shit
[Chorus]
My name is Bo, fo sho, a born Bostonian
Aryan librarian and the wordsmith—sonian
The rap is scattered, it has its ingenuity
I gave it this little part to give it continuity

[Verse 2]
And the fellas say, "Hey, moron, pass the gin"
'Cause I'm an oxymoron breathing oxygen
Give me the bottle, I'll chug two thirds
'Cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words
And the ladies say, "Hey, fellas, I'm keeping it tight
And if you play your cards right, you can have me tonight"
Should I blow you or beat you? Brass or percussion?
Oh, stop, period, end of discussion, haha

[Chorus]
My name is Bo, fo sho, a born Bostonian
Aryan librarian and the wordsmith—sonian
The rap is scattered, it has its ingenuity
I gave it this little part to give it continuity

[Verse 3]
Walking through the garden with food at my feet
Picked up the celery but dropped the beet
[Segue]
And then I picked it up

[Part II]

[Bridge]
Yeah
Listen

[Verse 4]
We're in the hood, I'll take what you give me
Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively
A smart queen's kingdom? It doesn't mix
Illiterate literates, a bunch of Moby Dicks
Get thee to a punnery, oh just a feel ya
Take you with a condom, stainless steel, ya
Half a pound of turkey breast, half a pound of chicken tits
Why are only crackers staying at the Ritz?
Poverty, racism, isn't it strange?
Only the homeless are begging for change
A shocked Sherlock—what, son?
Rosa Parks didn't call shotgun
Here's a bit of irony
A Ford Focus driver's got ADD
How'd I come to master all of these things?
Like a tampon thief, I had to pull some strings
I had to pull some strings!
[Outro]
That's a rap!