[Verse 1]
Tonight at 10 the world is ending again
And we know why and when so you better watch
We got a bit with some feminist chick and also a picture of a starlet's crotch (blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah)
Two people died, a double homicide their bodies found inside of a wishing well (blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah)
And we tackle the flaws in these obesity laws in this segment that's sponsored by Taco Bell (blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah)
We've got violence, danger, sex and drugs
And it's awesome 'cause all of it's real!
We do the illusion of news
And while you think you're choosing the views that you feel

[Chorus]
All of this and more and live
Only on the Channel 5 News (ooh, ooh)
Only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh)
Only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh)
Channel-channel 5, cha-cha-cha-channel 5
Channel 5
Only-only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh)
Only-only

[Spoken]
We've got Chip Walker, live at the scene, with breaking news! Chip are you there? (Only on the Channel 5 News)

[Verse 2]
Chip Walker here, am I coming in clear?
I'm standing near to the scene of the crime
This Iraqi guy's shop seemed a newsworthy spot
So we've been gathering shots here for quite some time (blah, blah, blah)
Today, real fast, the owner's daughter passed (blah, blah, blah)
We grabbed a shot of her ass while the owner was near (blah, blah, blah)
Then he struck my chest and now he's under arrest (blah, blah, blah)
And now you people have one less man to fear (blah, blah, blah, blah)
His family's angry, crying, sad and lost
And it's awesome, 'cause all of it's real
I do the illusion of news
And while you think you're choosing the views that you feel
[Chorus]
More as this develops live
Only on the Channel 5 News (ooh, ooh)
Only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh)
Only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh)

[Bridge]
We go now to Max Stevens with the weather for the weekend (Channel 5)
What are we looking at here, Max, umbrellas or picnic baskets? (Only on the Channel 5 News, ooh, ooh)
Max? (Only on the Channel 5 News, ooh, ooh)
Max?!
We're experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by
Please stand— (Max?!)
Please stan— by (Max?!)
Please stand— (Max?!)
Please— (Max?!)
Please— (Max?!)
Please stand by (Max?!)
Please stand— (Max?!)
Please— please stand— (Max?!)
Please— please stand— (Max?!)
Please— please stand by (Max?!)
Alright, we got a signal, cut to Max

[Verse 3]
Good evening, hi, it’a your weather guy
I advise you to buy another lightning rod
We didn't catch this impending disaster
Maybe it's natural, maybe it's God (He’s off script!) (What?)
The sliding mud, the incoming flood (He’s off script!)
Will never wash the blood from my greedy old hands (He’s off script, cut to the commercial)
This job was fun, I had a pretty good run but I've never been one to give in to demands (He’s off script, cut to the commercial, bitch!)
The people are angry, crying, sad and lost
And it's awful 'cause all of it's real
We do the illusion of news
And while you think you're choosing the views that you feel
[Chorus]
All of this and more and live
Only on the Channel 5-
Only on the Channel 5-
Only-only-on— We're back

[Break]
(News, ooh, ooh)

[Chorus]
Only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh)
Only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh)
Channel-channel 5, cha-cha-cha-channel 5
Channel 5
Only-only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh)
Only-only

[Outro]
It's only on the Channel 5 news (Blah blah blah)
(Blah blah blah blah)
Only on the Channel 5 (Blah blah blah)
(Blah blah blah blah)
Only on the Channel 5 (Blah blah blah)
Channel 5 (Blah blah blah blah)
Only on the Channel 5 (Blah blah blah)
(Blah blah blah blah)
It's only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh) (Blah blah blah)
(Blah blah blah blah)
Only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh) (Blah blah blah)
(Blah blah blah blah)
Only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh) (Blah blah blah)
(Blah blah blah blah)
Channel 5 (Blah blah blah)
(Blah blah blah blah)
Only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh) (Blah blah blah)
(Blah blah blah blah)
It's only on the Channel 5 (News, ooh, ooh) (Blah blah blah)
(Blah blah blah blah)