[Intro: Bo Burnham & Teen in the audience]
How old are you, buddy?
(14)
14? Is this your mother beside you?
(mumbling)
This is getting awkward isn't it?
Well your mother's very cool... your mother's very cool for bringing you
Remember that, remember when you get old and grey
And- and she was cool she brought you to a comedy show
I have trouble getting along with my father, he's such a man's man you know
He lives his life by all these rules that I can't possibly live by
Like he believes you should always fight fire with fire
Which is a horrible way to live your life
Well cause he's a firefighter and he was fired
Whoops, that was stupid, let's get a little stupider

[Verse: Bo Burnham]
There's a creepy old man fishing in the park, and the only problem is
He tied a candy bar to the end of his line, he's trying to catch a kid

[Skit: Bo Burnham & Girl in the audience]
Haha, haha
For those listening on the CD, I mimed like I was catching the 14 year old I was just talking to
Mom isn't happy, just guessing, not even looking, alright
You know, people complain about the way I act on stage, they think I repeat jokes. And they think- They don't get that the way I act on stage is just that, it's an act. You know, they think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms. And they want me to be- they want me to be more a comic to the people, relate to the beautiful people in this room in the overarching glue of comedy, so let's do a little but of uh relatable comedy
I'm like you guys, once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression and where I lose all my sense of oneness and self worth, haha!
And what I like to do in order to assure myself that I am unique, and I'm not just one of many small, white indistinguishable perfectly cylindric checker pieces in Jesus and Satan's backgammon game
Is I will- guys, I'll try to say a group of words in a certain order that I think no one has ever said them before, so when I'm saying them it's like"Look at me, participating in this new moment that no one has ever participated in" and I feel like I'm preceding out of the abyss so I'll say something random that no one's ever said, like "peanut butter tribadism," or "I'm your father and I loved your comedy show," or "At first I didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone with my child, but then I saw his mustache, phew."
Or, uh, or, uh, "Did you see this Amish website?"
Or "Hey yo baby my life's about three things, three simple things, gettin' money, gettin' pussy, and the Dewey decimal system"
Or um, "Hey can you hold my fanny pack? I'm gonna go fuck a woman"
You just don't hear 'em
(Cheers from the audience)
I'm giving you attention, girl that's wooing, are you happy now?
(I love you!)
You love me, that's nice. You love the idea of me, you don't know me but that's okay
It's called a parasocial relationship
It goes one way and it's ultimately destructive. But please, keep buying all my shit forever
[Outro: Bo Burnham]
That's how it works. Capitalism, I'm trapped. It's terrible, I'm a horrible person, alright