[Spoken Intro]
I believe in the zodiac! Yeah, I do, I'm a Leo, I love Titanic
This is something a little mor- something a little morbidly ironic: my grandmother, uh, she was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab
This is a song about the idea of irony, so strap in!

[Verse 1]
My dog's stomach was very upset
So I put him in the car and we went to the vet
And on our way to the vet
I killed a cat

[Chorus]
Hey, I said
Isn't that ironic?

[Verse 2]
I adopted a child from overseas
To rescue him from child labor factories
And on his very first birthday
We went to Build-A-Bear workshop

[Chorus]
Isn't that ironic?
Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C

[Verse 3]
A waterpark is burned to the ground
And a, a tow truck has broken down
I always used to cry when I laughed
And then I was raped by a clown
[Chorus]
Isn't-
That's ironic

[Verse 4]
I was watching Al Gore on CNN
He was talking and talking and talking, and then
Out of boredom
My pet polar bear shot himself

[Chorus]
Isn't that ironic?

[Verse 5]
I dated an animal rights activist
And one day she got really pissed
Because I was eating veal
That was wrapped in pita bread
PETA? Fuck it

[Chorus]
Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C

[Verse 6]
Yeah, I'm a stand-up comic
And I always sit and slouch
And I got my girlfriend pregnant
On my sterile uncle's pull-out couch
[Chorus]
Isn't that ironic? I-R-O-N-I-C

[Bridge]
Yeah, if everyday you play the board game Risk
You've probably never taken a risk in your life
And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold
On the board game market
A little kid died from suffocation
When he choked on a game piece from Operation
And I can't grow a beard
That one's not ironic
That one's just sad
Oh, Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant

[Verse 7]
My grandfather had Alzheimer's
And one day we were...