"This is Bo Burnham. He’s 21 years old. He’s a male. And he’s a little fucking shithead. He’s isolated himself over the last 5 years. It was due to Comedy. And in doing so, he has lost touch with reality. You’re an asshole, Bo. You hear me? You think you know better than me. You think you know better than everybody. You’ll die alone…and you’ll deserve it. But in the meantime, you might as well tell us a few jokes of yours. See if that helps."

You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny. But now, you’re contractually obligated. So dance, you fucking monkey. DANCE, MONKEY, DAN-

Welcome to the show. This is Bo. This is his show. And Bo likes to dance like this

Welcome to the show. This is Bo. This is his show. And Bo takes off his pants like this

Play the invisible drum. Play the invisible trumpet. (trumpet sound) Drink some invisible water. Oh, shit! That water’s real!

Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. (random voice) Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact. (prolonged eye contact) 8x

Prolonged eye contact. (prolonged eye contact) 3x Lick your lips to make it more comforting

Do you wanna see a magic trick? Do you wanna see a magic trick? Do you wanna see a magic trick? Then pick a card, any card. PSYCH

Magic isn’t real, you idiot. (read a book) 3x Magic isn’t real. Or is it?

And at that moment, Bo’s 20 year old cynicism melted into child-like wonder. He never knew there could be so much magic in the world. It’s a world of possibilities, Bo. What do you wanna do first? Run? Yea, sure. You can run. Fly? Oh, yea. You can fly

What? What are you-What the fuck are you-What the fuck are you doing? Sto-Stop. Stop it! The f-You fucking idiot. Stop. STOP. (alright!) Stop. (alright!)

In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy. A fairy, so beautiful, that he felt proud about being called one in high school. He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard. Bo knew that he had to answer a riddle to get by. The troll spoke thus:

“Man, I don’t know why you keep calling me troll. Okay, I’m homeless. I lost my job. I really could use if you had any change if you can sp…spare…Why are you walking away, man? Wh- You’re everything that’s wrong in the world. You know that? YOU KNOW THAT??”
As Bo arrived to the other side of the stage, he saw a unicorn with 5 horns right in front of him! And the pentacorn spoke thus:

"Hello, Bo. I’ve been looking for you for quite a long t-" *shoots with a pistol x12 reloads then shoots x12*

He was safe. For now. But the dark thoughts would soon return

(It’s Godzilla! Stop!)

It’s so hard to be a lizard! It is hard to be a lizard. It’s so hard to be a lizard! (WHY IS HE SINGING?) It’s so hard to be a lizard. (WHY?) And it’s hard to segue

Is he skiing? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? (what?) Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? (what?) Or is he in a gay porn? Here’s a hint: he’s in a gay porn!

Okay, Bo. This miming shit is getting pretty annoying. So give them the real thing!

My voice is so fucking natural. It’s naturally good. Naturally good. Naturally good

This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show. Welcome to the show!