Man, you guys are a great crowd. Give it up for yourselves for coming out, by the way, tonight. Give it up. Supporting live comedy in these weird times. Um, it’s crazy. Um… These are some pretty crazy times, but it’s nice during these crazy times that we can get together. We can laugh.

You know? Um… I’ve learned something over this last year, which is pretty funny. Um, I’ve learned that real-world human-to-human tactile contact will kill you and that all human interaction, whether it be social, political, spiritual, sexual, or interpersonal should be contained in the much more safe, much more real interior digital space. That the outside world, the non-digital world, is merely a theatrical space in which one stages and records content for the much more real, much more vital digital space. One should only engage with the outside world as one engages with a coal mine. Suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface.

Um… And is it just me, or do pirates need to take a little bit better care of their fuckin’ maps? You know, when I find a pirate’s map, it’s… it’s always tea-stained, and the edges are burnt, and it’s like if you’re a pirate, all right, and you’re gonna make this map and expect me to carry it around the globe as I search for your treasure, then laminate it.