[Spoken Intro]
Hey baby, uh, it's me
Um, our anniversary's comin' up, it's a pretty big one
And, um, I wrote a song for you
So I'm just leaving you this voicemail because, um, I want the song to begin with this voicemail
Like, I want the voicemail to play at the beginning of it
So, if you could just download this voicemail when you get it and then text it to me
Um, you might need to, like, download another app to download the⁠—
I don't know if you can rip your voicemail right off your phone, you might need to, like—
Just Google it, don't call me and ask me
'Cause I know, I know what you're gonna do
You're gonna, you're gonna get this
And you're gonna think you just can't do it
And you're gonna call me, but then I'm just gonna Google it
So, just you Google it, you're an adult, you can figure it out
Um, so just, figure it out and text me the voicemail
Um, immediately, if you wouldn't mind
Like, right when you get this
Thank you, um, I love you, bye

[Verse 1]
You're my best friend, I love you (Love you)
You know me and I know you (Know you)
We got problems that we've been through (Been through)
We got shit that we'll get through, uh
You think I'm rude to you
You think I am the worst
Because I ask when you suck my dick
You take out your Invisalign first
Come on
[Chorus]
Five years, five years
Still you, still me, still here
Five years, five years, baby
Five years, five years

[Verse 2]
We order Chinese, I'm eating my dumplings
You reach over and you take my dumpling
You don't even say, "Do you mind?" or nothing
Why would you assume that you're entitled to a dumpling?
So I look at you, you look back at me, like, "What the fuck did I do?"
If you really wanted some dim sum, then
You really should've gotten some when we put in the order
You say, "You're a psycho and I-I don't wanna fight
So, let's just drop this, it's not a big deal"
"Okay, but for the record
You owe me a dumpling, I mean it, I won't forget
You owe me a dumpling or a dumpling equivalent"

[Chorus]
Five years, five years
Still you, still me, still here
Five years, five years, baby
Five years, five years
[Verse 3]
We found a spider in the house
You freaked and you jumped up onto the couch
Since I was close and able
I jumped up on the coffee table
You said, "You should kill that"
I said, "Um, no, fuck that"
You said, "Come on, be a man"
What?
You're a total anti-sexist, a patriarchy fighter
But your whole worldview collapses
The moment there's a spider, cool
I get it, this is the real you
It's a pleasure, nice to meet you
Shit like this brings the movement down
Everyone's a feminist until there is a spider around

[Chorus]
Five years, five years
Still you, still me, still here
Five years, five years, baby
Five years, five years

[Outro]
How come every time I need to take a poo in the bathroom
You out of the blue need to use the bathroom?
Just use the guest room bathroom
That's why we got two bathrooms
Just use the guest room bathroom
That's why we got two bathrooms
And you know