[Part 1 (Song 1: Art Is Dead)]

[Chorus]
Art is dead, art is dead, art is dead, art is dead

[Verse 1]
Entertainers like to seem complicated
But we're not complicated
I can explain it pretty easily
Have you ever been to a birthday party for children?
And one of the children won't stop screaming?
'Cause he's just a little attention-attractor
When he grows up to be a comic or actor
He'll be rewarded for never maturing
For never understanding or learning
That every day can't be about him
"There's other people, you selfish asshole!"
I must be psychotic, I must be demented
To think that I'm worthy of all this attention
Of all of this money you worked really hard for
I slept in late while you worked at the drug store
My drug's attention, I am an addict
But I get paid to indulge in my habit
It's all an illusion, I'm wearing makeup
I'm wearing makeup, makeup, makeup
[Chorus]
Art is dead, so, people think you're funny
How do we get those people's money?
I said, art is dead
We're rolling in dough while Carlin rolls in his grave
His grave, his grave

[Verse 2]
The show has got a budget
The show has got a budget
All the poor people way more deserving
Of the money won't budge it
'Cause I wanted my name in lights
When I could have fed a family of four
For forty fucking fortnights
Forty fucking fortnights

[Refrain]
I am an artist; please, God, forgive me
I am an artist; please, don't revere me
I am an artist; please, don't respect me
I am an artist; feel free to correct me
A self-centered artist, self-obsessed artist
I am an artist, I am an artist
But I'm just a kid, I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid, kid
And maybe I'll grow out of it
[Part 2 (Show Intro)]
*clearing throat*
Thank you all so much
This is the uh, this is the Bo Burnham and uh, No Friends tour
'Cause I don't have any friends with me
One of which would've been an opener
Which I think just kinda eats up 30 minutes of time
And it just makes the show appear longer, and you don't like that
I wanna do an encore, encores y'know waste time [mumbles]
But what- what wastes more time than all of that is uh
Explaining it to you, so...
*audience laughter*
Haha, (imitating audience) you douche...

Uh, but real talk guys, I got da best fans in da world
I got da best fans in da world, honestly man, I got da best fans
'Cuz other fans man, shit, they don't pay me, I hate 'em
I got da best fans in da world
Course you like your fans more than the other fans, they're your fans
Or support the arts, support the arts, support the doctors
Kill the fucking arts, we're cancer; Doctors come up with that
*audience laughter*
Give the archaeologists credit, I tell dick jokes-

[Bo Burnham and Archaeologist(s) in Audience]
Yeah!
Yeah, I dig it
Give me money!
*audience laughter*
Oh be quiet, what was the last fossil you found?
Your mother!
*audience laughter and "oooh"s*
*Bo walks to piano*
[Part 3 (Song 2: Archaeologist)]

[Verse 1: Bo Burnham]
How do you get a PhD
When all you do is play with a fucking shovel
How do you get a PhD
When all you do is play with a fucking shovel
And wear those ugly fucking lesbian hats
From Jurassic Park
You're a lesbian
You're a lesbian

[Verse 2: Bo Burnham]
You picked your job so you could get dirty
And covered with dirt, and when you smell so bad
'Cause that's who you are, and you could say
"I was digging for shit", fuck you and your face
You're an archaeologist and you dare to call yourself a doctor
Well, if you're a doctor then why the fuck
Is everything you touch fucking dead for a million years?
But that was a pretty good joke about my mom

[Bo Burnham & Archaeologist(s) in Audience]
You're good, I uhm, I uh...
*audience laughter and cheering*
This next song- that's great, that was great
When I go over to the piano you know I'm stumped
We love you for that one!
*audience laughter*
You're good, that was good
I uh, uhhoooh
This next song isn't done at all, uh, either
But it's about how deep I am and I'm pretty fucking deep
*audience laughter*
I knew you'd laugh, but just, just wait

[Part 4 (Song 3: #deep Demo)]

[Verse 1]
Have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird drop from a tree, and take to the air?
Me neither
Have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme but the right words just weren't there?
Meat cleaver

[Chorus]
Have you ever looked at your life
With a sense of wonder while you wonder why your life
Is underwhelming, that was deep
Why do I feel most awake when I'm fast asleep
Deep, deep

[Verse 2]
Have you ever taken a side of bacon and jacked off watching babe?
Me neither
Me neither!
Have you ever seen a girl on Halloween who looks like she's dressed for a rape?
[Pauses] Yup, definitely that

[Chorus]
Have you ever wondered why
Without a reason, then you reason out the why
And try to squeeze in, that was gay
Gay in a really non-homophobic way

[Part 5 (Song 4: Love Is...)]

[Verse 1]
I love you like kings love queens
Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought
Like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out
And I want you, yeah
Like a lawyer-slash-mathematician wants some kind of proof
And I want you
Like JFK wanted
A car with a roof
Is he here? Did she find him?

[Chorus]
Because love is taking that dive
Then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool
And love is a real-life porn
Minus all the stuff that makes porn cool
And love is a homeless guy, searching for treasure in the middle of the rain and
Finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate and
Even though he's heartbroken, he can't complain cause he was hungry in the first place

[Post-Chorus]
Lots of love there

[Verse 2]
Because I love you like Dora loves maps
Like the Pope's toilet loves holy craps
I need you like a voyeur needs a branch
Like boys tossing salad need a little bit of Neverland Ranch
I wrote it before, so I'm fine
And I want you, yeah
Like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform (what?)
And I want you like Anne Frank wanted
Nobody to read her fucking diary!
Cause a diary is a collection of secret things that no one's supposed to read, that's the whole point of a diary. Millions of people have breached this little girl's privacy after she was chased by Nazis; kick her while she's down

[Verse 3]
And if we met in 10,000 BC
I was your caveman, you's my cavelady
If we got hot, we'd start rubbing
If we got hungry, we'd go clubbing
There's woolly mammoths, but I will protect us
You're making me devolve to a homo erectus, uh, hominid tree
And if we met in 1780
I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner and you were my dark-skinned servant lady slave
*audience cheering*

[Part 6 (Guitar Picks)]
*pulls out guitar*
I don't have a pick!
Someone's got a pick, this is a hippie hangout, c'mon
Give it to me Austin, someone just come up, rush the stage, yeah!
*grabs guitar pick from woman*
See guys, women are helpful

[Part 7 (Song 5: New Math)]

[Intro]
If you know the words, shut the fuck up!

[Verse 1]
What's a pirate minus the ship?
Just a creative homeless guy
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant?
An ironic way to die
And what's domain, domain, range?
A kid with too much in his pants
And two balls minus one
Seven titles at the Tour de France, yeah

[Chorus]
Yo, split a decision with long division
Take the circumference of your circumcision
Live like your data, when you're all set
Put it all together and whatever ya get
It's new math
It's new math

[Verse 2]
And what's a bag of chips divided by five?
Well, that's a Nike worker's meal
And Santa clause multiplied by "i?"
Well I guess that makes him real
And the square root of the NBA is Africa in a box
How do ya trace a scatter plot?
Ya give the pencil to Michael J. Fox

[Chorus]
Take the approximate moral proportion of the probable problem of a pro-life abortion
Live like your data, when you're all set
Put it all together and whatever ya get
It's new
It's new
It's new
It's new
It's new math

[Verse 3]
And if you took a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me
You'd have a tree
Full of Asian porn
C-A-L see you later
Mathematical minds make industrial smog
What's the opposite of ln(x)?
Duraflame the unnatural log

[Chorus]
Support the farmers with a pro-tractor
Link Kennedy and Lincoln with a common factor
Live like your data, when you're all set
Put it all together and whatever ya get
It's new
It's new
It's new
Alright, word problems, ready?

[Verse 4]
If there's a fat guy in a pastry shop with a twenty dollar bill and he's ready to buy
In order to predict his volume change you'll need to know the value of pie
And there's a metal train that's a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her
How long till it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor
And if ten percent of men are gay
Twenty percent of men are Chinese
What are the odds that a man chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees?
And if Kim is half as old as Bobby
Who is two years older than twelve-year-old Tori
For how many more 30 day months will their threesomes be considered statutory rape?
Oh Jesus, 'Cause math can be sexy

[Verse 5]
Beause having sex is like quadratic expansion
If it can't be split then its time to stop
And having sex is like doing fractions
It's improper for the larger one to be on top
And having sex is like math homework
I do it best when I'm alone in my bed
And squaring numbers are just like women
If they're under thirteen just do them in your head
Oh, oh my-

[Part 8 (Show Reflection)]
*spits, then audience laughter*
It's a rocking party in here right?
Yeah! Plop, ohh
And then ironically you start with a Snicker!
I, uh, those are Snickers, uh, thank you guys so much for coming
This has been so fun, so crazy, uh
I'll be a-over there after the show if you wanna say hi or something
It's pretty disappointing but no, uh, I could just see you all
And prove I'm not a douchebag in real life
It's just a stage persona, it's crazy, stage personas
But then I hope if you, you know, if you came to see all the old stuff you saw enough old stuff and if you came to see new stuff you saw enough new stuff, always a hard balance
But uh, thank you so much, uh, I guess that was a good one
That was a good transition yeah

[Part 9 (Encore)]
(Man in audience: Encore!)
Okay!
*Bo runs off stage and audience cheers, then comes back, flips everyone off, tips over the stool, throws stuff at audience then leaves again*
*Bo returns and audience cheers*
And uh, *out of breath* thank you
*Audience laughter*

[Part 10 (Song 6: Oh Bo)]

[Spoken Intro]
I feel like hip-hop used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know?
Yes!
Voiceless
*Audience laughter*
And now I feel like it's become, at least in the mainstream
A symbol of misogyny, y'know, chemical archaeology, gay panic (gay!), fiscal irresponsibility, and honestly it's, it's horrible
And I figure, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em

[Verse 1]
Hittin' the club up VIP
I got a fake mustache and a fake ID
I look like Woolly Willy
With a really woolly willy, and I
Bypass the bouncer
Pass by an ex and I flex and bounce her, wowser
Look at all of Bo's hoes
Lookin' for a ride on Bo's hose, and I
Spot a little Latino
Booty so big, call it Oprah's ego
We go do it, through it
She says "Dios mia, mi amigo!"
Pull it out, stick it in your mouth
And I bust in the back of ya
Swallow, bitch
There's people starving in Africa

[Chorus]
Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oooh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd make the fellas say
"Oooh Bo!" I said "Oooh Bo!"
"O-o-oooh Bo!", "Woah Bo!", "Oooh Bo!"

[Verse 2]
You're an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top
But careful, cherry, cause I'm the King of Pop
Pop, pop goes my weasel
Now you look like Jackson Pollock's easel
Yeah, my suggestion is
You don't blow 'til you know what congestion is
Swallow when you know what digestion is
Follow Bo, the only question is
Have you been splattered before
By the Mad Hatter matador?
Cake batter, never more
It don't matter whether you're
Spanish, French, Swedish, or Cambodian
I'll slime you so hard you could be on Nickelodeon

[Chorus]
Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
[Audience: "Oooh Bo!"]
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd make the fellas say
[Audience: "Oooh Bo!"]

[Post-Chorus]
Much better
Enjoy that pulsing orange light, it's a-
It captures the frantic pollutant of the [?]
Oh! Oh! [plays random notes]

[Verse 3]
You think that you can handle me?
Girl, don't make me laugh
My junk is bipolar
It'll split you in half, I said it
And if you're lucky
I might just bring you home
And I'll have you going down
Like you're growin' an extra chromosome
And when you grab me
Don't grab me by my buns
Cause I got a bad case of the ru-runs
I got the runs
I got the ru-hu-ho-ha-ha-hu-ho-ha-ha-Ryan Gerry

[Chorus]
Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oooh Bo!"
And if I were
Oh, so if I were
Yeah, and if I were

[Spoken]
I'd like to break it down for ya'll
Like an enzyme
I came from the streets, with nothin'
Now I'm makin' hit records
For my people still livin' in the streets
On the streets, under the streets, through the streets
I wanna tell you I'm doin' this for you
On you, under you, in you
My success is your success, spiritually
And I know you may be thinkin'
"Hey, if you really believe that
Why don't you use some of the money
To help rebuild the neighborhood
Instead of putting spinning rims on a fur jet ski?" Alright?
But to that I say...
You know what, chorus is comin' up

[Chorus]
Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oooh Bo!"
And if I were
Oh, so if I were
Yeah, and if I were

[Verse 4]
You gotta fume like a tuna
I'll smell ya later
I met a fat chick
And I fucked her in an elevator
It was wrong on so many levels
Oh, it was wrong on

*Throws more stuff at the audience after song*