[Intro]
I can masturbate on the monkey bars
On the monkey bars, on the monkey bars
I can masturbate on the monkey bars
On the monkey bars, on the monkey bars

[Verse One]
Look at me, look at me
Smoking here cause it’s good to be
So high, and I’m a stoner/slacker
I sit in the stair so stupid-ly
I can show you how to smoke a bowl
I touched my balls and Boris Becker
I can take a shit down a gofer hole
I got more twist than Chubby Checker
I can jack my dick at Dairy Queen
I can shave the back of a hairy queen
I can make out with a gay Chuck Norris
And I can slap a bitch cause I’m very mean
Me and my friend raped a pair of Wops
Me and my friend dated Carrot Top
My Siamese twin has to share a cuck
Paul McCartney’s wife can spare a sock

[Hook One]
Cause I can play Led Zeppelin on a xylophone
On a xylophone, on a xylophone
And I can shit my pants in a nursing home
In a nursing home, in a nursing home
[Verse Two]
Look at me, look at me
Just called to say it’s so good to be
So high, I’m so damn wasted
Braindead like a lobotomy
I can make and it’ll make a chick sore
I can have sex with a tangerine
I buy used condoms at the thrift store
I can hunt a deer from a limousine
I can show you that I’m psychotic
I can put my thighs in very erotic positions
I clone sheep in my kitchen
I slept with my dad now I’m neurotic
I can read palms
I can tell the future
I’m the only guy who punk’d Ashton Kutcher
Show me your titties and I will twist ‘em
I can fist you with no resistance!

[Hook Two]
Cause I can cure cancer with an ice-cream cone
With an ice-cream cone, with an ice-cream cone
And I can shoot marbles with my kidney stones
With my kidney stones, with my kidney stones

{*musical trumpet interlude*}
What the hell?
I didn’t order a goddamn trumpet solo!
Sounds like he’s playing the trumpet with his asshole

Hey Louis Armstrong, wrap it the fuck up!

Ooh let’s kick it in!


[Verse Three]
I can kill young boys and fry ‘em up, in my walk
And I can pinch your neck and make you faint, like I’m Spock
I’ll teach you yoga, we’ll drink the Coor[?], I’ll wear a toga on Yom Kippur
I can kill you with violent masturbation
You cannot stop your fascination[?]
I can be a goddamn YouTube sensation
All I need is lube and Three Day Nations
I can make you do long division
Just because I don’t like ya
And can make fun of your religion
Just cause I wanna spite ya

[Hook Three]
And I can kick your ass in a chicken fight
In a chicken fight, in a chicken fight
And I can solve all problems with a pound of dope
With a pound of dope, with a pound of dope
And I can meet the pope and get my salad tossed
Get my salad tossed, get my salad tossed
Get my salad tossed, get my salad tossssssssssssssssssed!
[Intro]