[Verse 1 - Star-Lord, Rocket Raccoon]
Did you chart course?
To the best and likable Guardian of the Galaxy: the mother-effin' Star-Lord?
I take pirates and ravage 'em, then make it look like an artform
How I'm sending them starboard!
That measly craft can't even travel through space!
The off-and-on-again captain of wooden planks and some crates!
C'mon, it's not even fun; I shoot a blast and it breaks!
Lookin' like something that Groot could ask on a date!
I understand 'ya, Captain Hook; we couldn't be savvier
You don't care about the loot unless there's booze insidе!
Maybe if you hadn't got that "Moves Like Jaggеr" stagger
Then you wouldn't have been practically Marooned Five times!
And if he was mute, then he
Would have more gold, less mutinies!
I track two deaths between you and me
So back off, or we can shoot for three!
I hope that eyeliner you're rocking is waterproof
Or when I make you cry, I bet you'll look like Rocket Raccoon! (Aw, screw you!)
Speaking of, tell Barbossa I said
Unless he wants to hop home, he should cover that leg!
This giant perv's worth a jar of dirt!
All this water, and he'd still die of thirst!
I'm not gonna be the first to give him a curse!
Yeah, Sparrow overboard, because I'm flipping the bird!
[Verse 2 - Captain Jack Sparrow]
If you think my ship lacks the caliber to do damage
Then you're a pinch wrong
You best start believin' in tired old cannons, mate
'Cause you're in one!
Who are you, ay? Some poncy explorer?
Some stowaway who stowed away in one of my barrels?
I forgot who you were, and I'm not even Gamora!
But she'll always remember one Captain Jack Spar--
I row my boat, so flow's no trouble
You got no ammo; you only blow bubbles!
Thanos had choked, but no, this bloke fumbled
And eroded hope; he's so disposable
We all see things when we run out of beer crates
But if you think your dad's a planet, that's a bit weird, mate
A demigod too? I believe that he's lost it!
Is there perhaps a tribe keeping you hostage?
Oh, sod it; you and your posse's ocean fodder!
I'll take the lot and then stuff 'em in Davy Jones' locker!
That be the place the dead depart to from beyond the water
Ask nicely, or the rodent won't say hi to Yondu for 'ya!

[Verse 3 - Star-Lord]
Alright, guys, step back
Yeah, people aren't cargo, granted
But you mentioned Gamora, so eff that!
To me, your measly crew is target practice!
You reek, and with that libido
Any woman who ever has to hoist your sails would heave, ho!
Cap Cap'n Crunch before he reloads!
Do you really think I couldn't crush an Ego? (Oh!)
Your franchise was fun to start
Then your writing walked the plank and jumped the shark!
But your fifth movie was immersive; if you buy it
You'll know what it's like to be swindled by pirates!
[Verse 4 - Jack Sparrow, Barbossa, Sea Shanty]
Gibbs, Plan B
Plan B, Gibbs
There once was a kid with no ounce of a clue
Abducted and ripped from his house for doubloons!
Deprived from a childhood, he's now a buffoon
Like his brain has been draining the Fountain of Youth!
Your state is a place you don't need to be visiting!
Based on your fate, you already live in misery!
Can't call you son if you're not a son to someone!
Skimmed through your bloody films and thought: "Where's the mum gone?"
The key to your heart when your heart's in a chest!
We all have a partner to dance with, unless
Your maiden gets taken away by her dad
And now she's an ex you can't place on a map!
Yo-ho, woe is me!
Ripe with depression; 'tis the life you lead!
Drowning your sorrows like they're dying at sea!
Just don't touch the rum, 'cause that's mine, savvy?

[Verse 5 - Star-Lord]
Since you're zarg-nuts, let me simplify:
Bitch, you're a fickle guy who can't ever stick to or pick a side!
You either die or let the Guardians get boarding your ship; it's like
We're taking over a second Disney ride!
That talking octopus has got you scared to death?
I saw that dude on Counter-Earth when he was selling meth!
You spent the rest of your entire life on a quest to extend it
For execs to execute you, sever ties, and fucking end it!
[Verse 6 - Jack Sparrow]
Sever ties? Oh right, like James Gunn did!
I'll never stop flowing, like the waterwheel I run in!
Oh look, we're in luck 'ere, lads; there's gold hidden in his ship!
The guy with the eyebrows; nab his limbs and we'll be rich!
But now who will save you when you drop off the airlock door?
In space, no one hears your face pop like popcorn!
I should've fought Thor; kept this captain to captain!
So do what you do best and just be a... distraction, ay?