Welcome to the internet, have a look around
Anything that brain of yours can think of can be found
We've got mountains of content
Some better, some worse
If none of it's of interest to you, you'd be the first

Welcome to the internet! Come and take a seat
Would you like to see the news or any famous women's feet?
There's no need to panic
This isn't a test
Just nod or shake your head and we'll do the rest

Welcome to the internet
What would you prefer?
Would you like to fight for civil rights or tweet a racial slur?
Be happy! Be horny!
Be bursting with rage!
We've got a million different ways to engage

Welcome to the internet
Put your cares aside
Here's a tip for straining pasta
Here's a nine-year-old who died
We've got movies and doctors and fantasy sports
And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings of all the different characters in Harry Potter FUCKING EACH OTHER
Welcome to the internet
Hold on to your socks
'Cause a random guy just kindly sent you photos of his cock
They are grainy and off-putting
He just sent you more
Don't act surprised you know you like it, you whore

See a man beheaded
Get offended, see a shrink
Show us pictures of your children; tell us every thought you think
Start a rumor, buy a broom
Or send a death threat to a boomer
Or DM a girl and groom her
Do a Zoom or find a tumor in your-

Here's a healthy breakfast option
You should kill your mom
Here's why women never fuck you
Here's how you can build a bomb
Which Power Ranger are you? Take this quirky quiz
Obama sent the immigrants to vaccinate your kids

Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A little bit of everything all of the time?
Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time
Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A little bit of everything all of the time?
Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time

You know, it wasn't always like this

Not very long ago
Just before your time
Right before the towers fell
Circa '99
This was catalogs, travel blogs
A chat room or two
We set our sights and spent our nights
Waiting for you
You, insatiable you

Mommy let you use her iPad
You were barely two
And it did all the things
We designed it to do
Now, look at you, oh
Look at you, you, you

Unstoppable, watchable
Your time is now, your inside's out
Honey, how you grew
And if we stick together
Who knows what we'll do
It was always the plan
To put the world in your hand
Hahahahaha!

Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time

Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A little bit of everything all of the time?
Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
And anything and everything
And anything and everything
All of the time