[Verse]
It was mostly peaceful, chaotic, but mostly peaceful chaos
I took my shoes off
I got ready with how I was feeling
I ate the apple and lost myself to paradise
But the thing they don't tell you is that it's your body that leaves your soul
Not the other way around
You can literally feel your heart stop beating
And it's not, it's not even that strange
You know what's gonna happen, but you aren't angry that you do know
And in fact, the fact that you do know gives you some secret feeling of bliss
And it's not in any way diminished
When that thing that you know is going to happen does eventually happen
That's how I felt
I felt happy in a secret way
Naked, obviously
Angry that I could hear voices
But really, like, I was at peace with everything
Just me and my slowly slowing heart in a crowd of faces asking me for my name and what the date was
And whether or not we were in a time of national crisis
I don't know, kindness is so strange
The shame doesn't really capture the feeling, you know
How it felt to be in front of them like that
Blinking like a cat who just found out the mouse he's been trying to kill for the last ten years just ate his last piece of cheese
The only strange thing was that I could see anything at all, let alone their faces
I definitely wasn't supposed to be seeing anything
Demetria promised me I wouldn't
I felt very, very cold
It gets cold up there in the winter
Even colder if you've got nothing on
I remember saying that I hadn't taken much
Which was a lie, of course
They were all looking at me like I was the perfect example of everything that was wrong with being general
And my generation in particular
Why was the first thing I said when I came back an incredibly obvious lie?
I guess that says a lot about me, doesn't it?
God, it was miserable
I remember them asking me if I had anywhere to stay
And me pausing for way too long
While knowing that the answer was obviously no
And then saying no
And how terribly quiet they all got standing there
Staring at me on that very cold winter morning
This one goes out to the concept of luck
That pure, blind luck that makes the women's netball team walk back a different route around the meadows
A route that takes them past whatever I was at that point
That kind of luck
Monica brought that fact up to me later while I was lying in her bed
Trying to figure out if there was a way to intercept the suicide notes I had mailed to ten different international news media conglomerates
She said, a little too triumphantly, I think
That if she hadn't ordered that eighth round of shots, then they would have left early and I wouldn't have been there
And that if she hadn't decided
In her, as I was soon to discover, classically whimsical way
To lead the gang after that eight round of shots back around a different way just because she felt like it
Then she wouldn't have found me at all
She found that that was all very relevant
So do I, I guess
When we slept together that night for the first time, I saw stars
It was beautiful
So, yeah, this one goes out to luck
And drunk, mad women