[Verse 1: Paul Simon]
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks
Dressed in holiday style
In the air there's the feeling of Christmas
People passing, children laughing
And for mile after mile
On every street corner you'll hear

[Chorus: Paul Simon & Billy Joel]
Silver bells
Silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ding-a-ling
Hear them ring
Soon it will be Christmas Day

[Skit: Steve Martin]
Last night my child looked up at me and said
"Uncle Steve?"
He didn't know I was his father
And I didn't know for sure either
I just assumed I was
I'd had his mother so many times
And in so many differеnt ways
The odds were with mе
[Skit: Steve Martin]
Anyway, he looked up at me and said
"What does Christmas mean to you?"
And I said [Liniel ?]
Christmas is a time for giving
A time for receiving
A time for eggnog and rum
A time for cutting down trees and hanging plastic doodads on them
And watching them die slowly in your living room
Catch fire and burn down your house and all your possessions

[Skit: Steve Martin]
It's a time for buying things that haven't sold all year long
Wrapping them up in shiny paper
And giving them to your friends
Who return them and find out you got it on sale
And they can only exchange them for things of equal value
Like charcoal briquettes or matchbooks with other peoples' names on them
A time for giving your wife that special coat she always wanted
Those seals didn't need their fur anyway
What do they want it for they're dead already

[Skit: Steve Martin]
It's a time for eggnog and brandy
And driving home on icy streets
Accidentally nudging the car next to you off the bridge
Into the frozen river
Watching the car sink
Seeing the bubbles float up under the water
[Skit and Chorus: Steve Martin, Paul Simon & Billy Joel]
(Silver bells)
It's time to sip an eggnog martini and think about the poor
(Silver bells)
Talk of feeding the naked and clothing the hungry
(It's Christmas time in the city)
A time to get Christmas cards from all your friends at Consolidated and Allied and Acme
(Ding-a-ling)
A time for seeing all those happy children sitting on Santa's lap in Toyland
(Hear them ring)
(Soon it will be Christmas Day)
Thinking to yourself, Hmm
Maybe I'll be a Santa next year
Twelve years old is not so far from eighteen
Maybe I should be laying a little groundwork for the future

[Skit: Steve Martin]
It's a time for parties at the office with eggnog and vodka
Telling your boss what you really think of him
While he gets a perfect Xerox of your wife's rear end

[Skit and Chorus: Steve Martin, Paul Simon & Billy Joel]
(Silver bells)
It's a time for sitting by the hearth sipping eggnog and tequila
(Silver bells)
Your feet up on a burning log
(It's Christmas time in the city)
Realizing that Uncle Walt has been in the garage for 45 minutes with the car running
(Ding-a-ling)
You say to yourself
(Oh Hear them ring)
Damn Uncle Walt, you were supposed to bring me back more eggnog
(Soon it will be Christmas day)
And that, [Liniel ?], is what Christmas means to me
Soon it will be Christmas day