The piano has been drinking
--(Piano has been drinking)
My necktie is asleep
--(Tie is asleep)
And the combo went back to New York
--(Back to New York)
The jukebox has to take a leak
--(Gotta take a leak, now)
And the carpet needs a haircut
--(Carpet needs a haircut)
And the spotlight looks like a prison break
--(It's bright!)
'Cause the telephone's out of cigarettes
--(All outa ciggies)
The balcony is on the make
--(On the make)
And the piano has been drinking
--(Piano has been drinking)
The piano has been drinking
--(Piano has been drinking)
Mmmmm...

And the menus are all freezing
--(Menus are freezing)
And the light man's blind in one еye
--(Blind in one eyе)
And he can't see out of the other
--(Can't see out of the other)
And the piano-tuner's got a hearing aid
----(Say what?)
And he showed up with his mother
--(Showed up with his mother)
And the piano has been drinking
--(Piano has been drinking)
Mmmm mmm mmmmmmm...
And the bouncer is a Sumo wrestler
--(The bouncer is a wrestler)
Cream-puff Casper Milktoast
--(Casper Milktoast)
And the owner is a mental midget
--(Mental midget)
With the I.Q. of a fence post
(With the I.Q. of a fence post)
'Cause the piano has been drinking
--(Piano has been drinking)
The piano has been drinking
--(Piano has been drinking)
Mmmmm...

And you can't find your waitress
--(Can not find your waitress)
With a Geiger counter
(Geiger counter)
And she hates you and your friends
And you just can't get served without her
(Can't get served without her)
And the box-office is drooling
--(Box-office is drooling)
And the bar stools are on fire
--(Talk about a hot seat!)
And the newspapers were fooling
--(They were only fooling)
And the ash-trays have retired
--(Have retired)
And the piano has been drinking
--(Piano has been drinking)
The piano has been drinking
--(Not me, not me)
Not Meeeeeeeeeeeeee...
(Meeeeeeeeeeeeee...)