[Round 1: XQZ]
He’s a card-filler that pays for big names, and the dude usually dies
He hops from league to league once he sees that his views on YouTube have declined
Jeffrey here is the best rapper out of all the new Crucible guys
You know, gotta break the ice before you serve Patron, so that was Two Truths and a Lie
URL, what up?
I gotta admit, y’all held me down
I’m sort of impressed
I mean, y’all let me battle Day 1, so tomorrow I can watch the Super Bowl and just rest
Y’all gave me an easy opponent
A nice lil’ stepping stone towards my enormous success
Shit, this feels like Fresh Prince, and Jeffrey (Geoffrey) just opened the door for a guest
And Lexx wasn’t even gonna pick me, either
I was a last-minute replacement, more or less
But KG knows it was good money trading for X (Forex)
Oh, you here to put Seattle on?
Man, get to saving your breath
Not even Kanye’s divorce lawyer’s claimin’ Northwest (North West)
Weak-ass Patron, the agave they harvest from the bush
Y’all are watchin’ it get cooked
I’ll let him swing like I’m still in college
Take a shot to give my tolerance a push
Soon as it lands, I’m just standin’ there, unbothered by the hook
Like…”You’re named after tequila, man. I thought you’d at least be stronger than you look.”
I been a problem, for a decade
Never chasing clout, just stayed about mine
They sayin’ now’s his big shot? I just say it’s ‘bout time
I feel like John Paxson
But y’all don’t see how this is playin’ out? Fine
I’m sayin’ Phoenix already seen what happened when Chicago’s white shooter was waitin’ outside
So I’m outside
Steve’s lookin’ for you like Laura Winslow
And they gon' have to mop the floor up and board up windows
He starts duckin' under a stick like a shore club limbo
And knows the drum soon as he hears it...like the Pornhub intro
And I understand that's not, like...the most believable
That's what I always hear when they give me feedback
Well, Patron, I genuinely think you're a terrible rapper - at least believe that
I mean, they asked how I got here
I been stuck in small leagues since I got started
That was the same year URL, Don't Flop, and King of the Dot started
Some people are glad I'm here 'cause the fact I haven't quit proves I'm strong-hearted
Others saying, "He hasn't blown up after a decade? He's prob'ly hot garbage."
But the real reason URL booked me?
Well, they figured everyone's gonna be rappin' about the stock market
And figured middle-aged Jews are about to be one of their top targets
So here I am!
But whether URL, No Coast, or iBattle, it's been a ride, and I've shown improvement
Now I'm tryin' to carry Real Sikh's flag 'cause he's the last one from the CVLT to do this
Lexx flew me out 'cause he seen me control the room, told me, "Go and prove it.
Like, I don't care who sells tickets. Just do you and follow no one's blueprint."
That's why I don't even do that whole "run it back" shit that's everybody's overusin'
Although I guess I did just say ride, carousel, Six Flags, coaster, flume
But that was purely for my own amusement
I been doin' this
I said, you think I'm really worried about gettin' noticed now?
Dawg (Dog), this whole trip's about fuckin' your Chance up like Homeward Bound
Let your homies down
Me and Beast Mode almost got the same slogan now
He's just here so he don't get fined?
I'm just here so you don't get found
So don’t worry about how long I’ve been doin’ this, or if the style’s a little old-fashioned
These bitches still don’t know how to get rid of me like Closed Captions
Round 1
[Round 1: Patron]
I gotta be the truth, not to be obtuse
Pour out liquor for the dead homies, put the bottle to good use
Go upside your head wit' it, 'til I'm knockin' somethin' loose
Tell 'em, "Patron did this to you!"...it was alcohol abuse
You were thinkin' about retirin' - isn't it true?
You just felt there was a certain standard you weren't livin' up to?
Didn't even leave a footprint in the game, dawg (dog), had you a little bit Blue
And when they replaced Steve wit' the Asian dude, they musta been tryin' to give you a clue
Shoulda followed your instincts
Only thing I trust is my gut
I could tell if it's real or G (orgy) wit' my Eyes Wide Shut
Wise up
You not really tough - you pie crust
I know ballplayers and shooters...try us
I played 21 wit' savages, I'll bust
I'll show up at your door, ready to go
Steven hide (Hyde) in the basement: That '70s Show
The heaviest flow, the levees just broke
They said to be close, but no cigar, I bet he get smoked
You even admitted...just you bein' here was a joke
But you ain't just white, you egg whites
Like he'll swear he was yoked (yolked)
This gon' be over...easy - you mediocre
How many Filipinos you see on URL?
It's not exactly a easy-over
Keep it kosher? Jew wish! He a vulture!
Oh, but he really tryna eat off this
I'm tryna feed the Culture
Remember: it's not a punch unless there's an impact
We both live in America, I'm well aware of the fact
If you beat me, people barely react
But if I beat you, it's a terrorist act!
I won games on the road, I don't trip on the gas
Mitsubishi, Toyota: that foreign whippin' yo' ass!
Oh, you don't wanna believe me? Maybe I'm lyin' then
That computer you spend all day typin' on was prob'ly made by a Chinaman
So I don't wanna hear about how Japanese and Vietnamese are all the same from your perspective
You a college boy, I'm pretty sure they taught you the differences in some elective
Guess this is what happens when you walk into the wrong frat party
I expected to catch a bunch of "Jeff" flips like Matt Hardy
I stack bodies
If you not sorry, then act sorry
I just can't take a white rapper serious: this Bhad Barbie
Who gives a fuck about bein' popular? I'm poppin' for real
You don't ever have to question if I'll pop you for real
Just know it's a whole list of people that I'm not gonna kill
And you not on it, so if I got to, I will
Lacey, Washington...ill
[Round 2: XQZ]
So...mentioned the- the Philippines- and the Filipino shit, right?
So I seen you just did that music video 'bout poverty in the Philippines
And a bunch of the locals got to be in it, too
Basically, just, uh, picture "God's Plan" if Drake paid them all with 300 views
But it was cool though, he was in Manila
Walkin' all around his motherland rappin'
Talkin' 'bout drinkin' outta plastic bags and stealin' scraps out of another man's trash bin
Like people in first-world countries don't even truly understand famine
Or livin' in homes so cramped it makes Upper Manhattan look like the fuckin' Grand Canyon
I almost cried
'Cause these people have been through suffering that most others can't fathom
I mean, they had to watch a bottom-tier battle rapper perform a struggle rap anthem
That's fucked up
Man, no one's tryin' to hear you struggle-rap on a bunch of whiny records
What, you tryna be the Asian Chess?
Who are you, fuckin' Chinese Checkers?
Dawg, you are cotton-soft
All your videos look like you turn the comments off
You tried to donate all your merch when you were out there and even Pacquiao didn't want a box
Against dudes like this, if the crowd even sorta feels like he's gotten off, that's an auto-loss
So if there's gas, I'll prob'ly just throw the towel in...to a Molotov
Curtains closed
These days, my energy reserve is low
Burning coal, barely just enough to make the furnace glow
These nerds got the nerve to go, "I don't think he deserves it, though."
I just, keep pressin' like, Heath Ledger in the nurse's clothes
Came up, now watch the world below catchin' vertigo
So close wit' the most work to go: it's his 3rd & goal
I take it personal
They look at me like, "Yeah, he wouldn't hurt a soul."
But there are Jews that'll glove up everywhere
You seen the Bernie pose
I've heard your quotes
You told a dude: "While you were at home tryin' to think of a double entendre
I was savin' up for another truck: I'm tryna double the Tundra"
Oh yeah...oh yeah
Kool-Aid Man voice
Y'all never heard a punch so deep
I- I ain't even dig that from a old battle - that's, like, a month-old reach
I lose brain cells every time this dumbo speaks
Your favorite show as a kid was the microwave, and you had front-row seats
You're a fuckin' idiot
Oh, so that Toyota Tundra's your dream car, huh?
You fan-cy
It's kind of a big vehicle for someone your size
You might wanna start wit' that Cam-re (Camry)
I mean, you were good pre-us (Prius)
But you 'ave a long (Avalon) way to go to get back to that peak
I think you like battle rap 'cause it's the only place where you don't feel like you can't reach
Damn geek
You actually beat Jey The Nitewing on AHAT
The battle's trash
You and Sir Mix-a-Lot both Seattle cats
Makes sense - you got one big hit in your whole career, and even that was ass
Dawg, you are the Oddjob of battle rap
And you think that's just a short Asian joke when I say that
But remember, Oddjob was also known for catchin' a few bodies with a hat (AHAT)
I mean, they gas you
You know, you're not that good, but you're a nice guy and you're enthusiastic
When he battles big names, he does that nod like, "Mmm, this is a classic" while he's getting his ass kicked!
You a lame!
You're only here 'cause of Seattle dudes gassin' you
Does some tryhard shit every battle with a pretentious fuckin' attitude
Like your last joint
Made your third round 24 bars in honor of Kobe, which I admit was a classy move
I hope Derek Jeter dies just so you end your next round after two
That's time
[Round 2: Patron]
I'mma start the second round slow, you know...steal your wit
Let the crowd lose interest - they get real bored, quick
Nah, but it's your skills
You could chill, and it's still gon' hit
Nah, it's 'cause you're trash
Your punk ass don't even feel your shit
They said you was pumpin' iron before the lockdown
I don't mean the fire spark
But you would show up to work when the gym close (clothes)
What's that...Ivy Park?
I'm not sayin' this guy's a narc
His rhymes are sharp
He can at least provide comedic relief when times get dark
Your URL battle rap attributes could say..."Snide Remarks"
Reppin' for the Internet gangstas and the cyber Sharks
Don't try to bark like you top dog! You not a threat
Your name XQZ...it's far down from the alpha, bet (alphabet)
Why would they expect you to excite the media?
Those letters you chose...they're already the worst-sellin' encyclopedias
For real, and Brand Pages be nukin' that shit, but...
I'm fallin' back
You look like you struggle wit' addiction
Errybody (dictionary) saw you lost to The Saurus
Sore loser - but that's how all men act (almanac)
And you wanna act like XQZ-
I knew that name came from some nerd
'Til a hit make ya (Hitmaka) change ya name like some- like Yung Berg
But...they wanted this to be a fight, it's a exhibition
Battle rap, real life: that's two categories X a bitch in
You claim you made a name for yourself on your lil' expedition
Face it, you had to make up (makeup) your career: you a esthetician
Hindsight 20-20: I got extra vision
Your style's so last year, bringin' up the rear's not a sex position
I already killed Mr. XtrA, now that X is missin'
Whoever next (necks) get twisted: that's an exorcism
You are just a victim
And why would I allow him to live on my mind rent-free when he was just a victim (evict him)?
It is what it is, that's how it's gon' be
They takin' shots at Patron...these rounds on me

[Round 3: XQZ]
Beating Mr. XtrA's kind of a weird flex, but...
But uh, battle rap keeps gettin' bigger
And having been a fan for so long, it makes me proud
I hope another decade from now, y'all are sellin' stadiums out and fillin' bank accounts
I said, some fans are saying it's lost the feel 'cause there ain't a crowd and it's more mainstream now
But I think it's 'cause there's more battlers than ever with a similar formula all their styles are based around
And history shows what this can lead to
Right now, we're movin' in the same direction
I said, everyone's stocks are soarin' and y'all placed your bets on what appear to be some safe investments
But if you keep mass-producing the same shit without paying attention
We'll tank the engine, and the only way it's headin' is a Great Depression
This is history repeating right now
It's straight out a science-fiction novel
It's the start of the '20s, we're in a pandemic, society is gettin' hostile
You could make a living doin' goofy shit or stripping like the shit was vaudeville
And this industry's booming 'cause every guy's assembling lines off the same initial model
To a T, history repeats
And another example: your name's a liquor bottle
And right after all the shit I just mentioned went down, Prohibition followed
You gone!
I can't let these copycats eat
So keep that in mind before you send the contract link
I'm here to bring originality, not pander to some goddamn sheep...
I'm kidding, bro - it's a tryout battle
It's fuckin' not that deep
I'm on vacation, and best believe I'm comin' off a stressful week
I just left Chicago where's it's 10 degrees to 70s with a gentle breeze
So I'm poolside - (*shh*) - twistin' refreshing drinks, testin' recipes
Like "How do you make an Arnold Palmer in Arizona?"
Just add a lemon squeeze!
I'm downtown, rented Humvee with comfy seating
'Til I catch Patron walkin' alone like, "I must be dreaming."
Blade unsheathed, Crocodile Dundee treatment
He takes his first step and just accepts it like junkies at monthly meetings
Then (*fft-fft*)
Lookin' like he got rugby cleated
He don't know if I hacked his face or his mixtape
But the cuts keep leakin'
I-
(*XQZ takes a break to sip from a flask*)
We good
The cuts keep- yeah, we good
Said, Hell in a Cell match: shit's lookin' ugly on a flip
Soon as he turns around, gun-butt across his shit
I mean, it's only right
I was a drunk, obnoxious, stubborn college kid
Shit, I'm used to sneakin' Patron wit' somethin' off the hip
I said, even if you don't wanna hear that tough guy murder shit from a suburban kid
Y'all gave me the only dude on the card I could really beat up
So I kinda took that as encouragement
It's no pressure!
Either way, at any point in this tournament
'Cause at this point in my career, one more failure wouldn't hurt a bit
See, my fans call me "The Best-Kept Secret"
But for, like, 10 years, I've been stuck in this lane
At first, it was cool...now it's a bit much
And over time, it gets tough to explain
Like the fact that you're this height named after some top-shelf
That shit's fuckin' insane
Best-Kept Secret? Patron?
Either way, the discussion's the same
'Cause we both need to step on a bigger platform to really live up to our name
That's time

[Round 3: Patron]
And when they show previews of our battle, you gon' have to cope wit' your failure
But the killers think We're The Millers
They knew it was dope from the trailer
How I get matched up wit' XQZ
And here I am tryin' to live my life excuse-free?
Unapologetic
Any doubt and we could set it
He can be Steve Rifkind: he still wouldn't get Loud in a Record
I tried to picture him wit' his hat turned back, jeans sagged
But you one of the good boys
Oh, you been bagged
I peeped the game, studied your composition
You thought if you remain coy, you'll (coil) be fine, but there's somethin' missin'
Backbones
You lack those in the lines you spittin'
You ever pulled the spiral off the notebook?
All I hear is spineless writtens
And you college-ruled, I still won't hold ya
If I was to keep it a stack, I should have my people from Manila fold ya (folder)
My lil' soldier
You supposed to be from Chicago, right? Please, be safe
I could write a better ending for The Chi than Lena Waithe
Piece of cake, either way
I might not know everybody on your camp
But I'm definitely not surprised why you the 5-time No Coast champ
Shout out to your opponents
I'm not sayin' they were awful
But your fourth battle defense happened in the back of an Aeropostale
Yo, that's your legacy!
You gotta carry it!
They should just design a whole store for Steve and bury (& Barry) it!
I'm shuttin' them all (mall) down
Bossed up
As many points as you tossed up, it must suck to be stuck on No Coast and washed up!
Aw, fuck!
I'm cut from a different textile
X style get stripped down
Watch your step, child, or X, I'll have you ready to skip town
And when you get exiled, just be ready to skip town
You seen X-Files? I'm tryna mold your (Mulder) skully (Scully) to fit crowns
You a reptile!
This hip-hop, and in here, you the alien now!
But I'mma bring back to Earth doe
The name Patron, but the work flow is Cuervo
Don Julio of the studio, I'm here to let the world know
And your girl know, you a bird, ho...
And she don't give a fuck like a prostitute on furlough!
It's no wonder why you're so insecure, X
Pops shoulda wore a condom, there'd be less pain to endure, X (Durex)
May be too late, X
Maybe two latex?
Somebody shoulda put you in your place, X
Elon Musk could fund it
To me, you just a waste of space, X (SpaceX)
It is what it is, that's how it's gon' be
You takin' shots at Patron...these rounds on me!
...Yup