[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Hey girls, I have a Christmas question for you: Has this ever happened to you?

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
It sure has Leslie D

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Wait, I haven't asked you yet

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
Asked us what Leslie D?

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Just let me ask it and then you'll know!

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
Okay don't get mad...

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Girls, I'm asking if you've ever dreamed of meeting someone your whole entire life, and then when you finally got the chance it didn't go quite as planned

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
Oh, we know just what you're talking about

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
But sing about it anyway just in case we don't
[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Okay...

[BILLIE EILISH]
It was a winter's night, a quarter to three
I was dozin' by my Christmas tree
When he appeared with a full white beard
The very guy that I revered
I'm talking Santa! (Santa)
I was in the same room as him

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
You met the Santa? Like from the bible?

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
Where you nervous Leslie D?

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Was I ever!

[BILLIE EILISH]
But I said to myself, "Don't be a fool
Be smooth as ice and play it cool."
So here is what I said...

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Hey sexy mama nice teeth!
[BILLIE EILISH]
Yeah, I made it weird with Santa
(Santa)

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
Now why'd you go ahead and call him mama Leslie D?

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
I don't know I was nervous! He's famous! And I thought if I winked he'd know I was kidding...um

[BILLIE EILISH]
Does Santa hate me?

[ALL]
It's anyone's guess

[BILLIE EILISH]
He said my name
And I said "yes"
He asked if I'd been naughty or nice and I said: (He asked if she'd been naughty or nice and she said)


[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Who's asking Virgin?
Haha!
[BILLIE EILISH]
Yeah I made it weird with Santa!

[ALL]
Santa

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
What does that even mean Leslie D?

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
I don't know, it just came out of my mouth!
Haha...

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
What did Santa do?

[BILLIE EILISH]
He gave an odd smile and said, "Okay sure"
Then he sorta started heading towards the door...

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
Not the chimney?

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
No I think he just wanted to get out of there
So I said, "Okay Santa, you do you!"

[BILLIE EILISH]
And then I made finger guns and I went "zoop zoop"

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
Yikes, what is wrong with you?

[EGO NWODIM]
Don't feel bad, it happens to us all

[KATE MCKINNON]
We met him once at a Christmas ball

[KATE MCKINNON, EGO NWODIM]
How could we converse with him? We should've rehearsed
Cause then he asked us if we were good
And here's what we said:

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
You tell me, you're in charge Daddy...

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Woah!

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
I thought I was flirting, I don't know
But then I remembered, maybe he has a wife?

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
So then I said
"Hey Santa, so you and Mrs. Clause never had children
Was that a conscious decision
Or was there like a health issue there?"
"Or are the elves your children
And you keep trying to make a tall one?"

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Oh no...
Then what happened?

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
He asked me what my name was and I said Beth
And he said "Get away from me Beth."

[KATE MCKINNON]
I don't think I'm on good terms with Santa

[ALL]
Santa

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
But it gets worse
'Cause then I said
"Sorry Santa, we'll leave you alone
But just so you know, you're zipper is down."
And he said
"No no, that's just the fuzzy seame on my Santa suit"
And I said
"No look!"
And then I touched him down there

[Kate McKinnon, spoken]
Why?!

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
I don't know!
Because my brain doesn't work!

[KATE MCKINNON, EGO NWODIM]
We really blew it with Santa

[ALL]
Santa

[BILLIE EILISH]
He thinks I'm a dodo
He thinks I'm a doof

[ALL]
My, oh my, what's that sound on the roof?

[Santa, spoken]
Ho ho ho!

[Billie Eilish, Kate McKinnon, spoken]
Santa!

[Santa, spoken]
Prancer said I should give you one more chance
After all, it is Christmas

[KATE MCKINNON]
It's not our fault Santa

[EGO NWODIM]
We're not good in crowds

[BILLIE EILISH]
We never know what we'll say out loud

[SANTA]
All is forgiven, in fact I bring gifts
As a thank you for this jazzy Christmas
Riff!

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
Wow!

[Santa, spoken]
What do you say?

[Ego Nwodim, spoken]
My wife

[Santa, spoken]
Try again

[Billie Eilish, spoken]
Thank you Santa
We're weird, but we love you!

[Santa, spoken]
Hey, Santa's a little weird too, hehe

[ALL TOGETHER]
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas!