It’s absurdity in RPG form
Tycho Brahe’s behind creased cardboard
But you don’t pull up chairs for humor, do you?
You shouldn’t miss this guy, K’thriss
He shakes a stone, there’s light eldritch
Compelling you, the viewers, to hit the merch store

Hit the merch store, hit the merch store
Hit the merch store, hit the merch store

Walnut’s grove is gone, which sucks for a Druid
Plus Maelith’s strong, but Nut’s wising to it
Sigils on the cave walls stabbed like daggers
She took wolf form and she howled aloud
She bit at K’thriss and she snapped her snout
And by her instincts led you to the merch store

Hit the merch store, hit the merch store
Hit the merch store, hit the merch store

Rosie, she’s shopped there before
All her grandkids get gifts from this store
Little halflings with Acq. Inc. pins playing footloose
I’ve seen them picnic beneath the stars
Wearing their bright Dark magic scarves
It’s a one-stop shop for birthdays at the merch store
Hit the merch store, hit the merch store
Hit the merch store, hit the merch store

Donnar’s a paladin, Dragonborn
Who treats ev’rybody else with scorn
But you know that they all deserve it, don’t you?
He gains entitlement from bits
Or so Jerry claims, so I guess it fits
And they both expect you all to hit the merch store

Hit the merch store, hit the merch store
Hit the merch store, hit the merch store

Maybe there are gods beyond
Whose tendrils shift their waking pawns
But Jerry kind of seems like he has got this
Except the times when the phones light up
And ideas arise then outright erupt
And Jerry’s gone volcanic cursing Rothfuss

What now, Rothfuss? Come on, Rothfuss
Ignore Rothfuss, gosh darn Rothfuss
Dang it, Rothfuss, my game, Rothfuss
Go home, Rothfuss, shut up, Rothfuss
Flippin’ Rothfuss, let’s not do this
Hit the merch store, Hit the merch store